#1786 – Rubbie Buns

Hares : Dr. Fill and Special Guests
WhereLen’s Den, 801 16th Ave. NE
Big Rock: Aye Laddie!
Attendance: 39

Piper - Bobbin' Robbin

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Robbie Burns’ Run 2015

It was a musical night that Robbie Burns himself would have appreciated.  Ok, tolerated. Well, he certainly would have heard it from the grave. Between Bobbin McRobbin’s lovely Scottish bag pipe tunes and McCocktale’s many, many, many clever solo hash song renditions as hash choir member extraordinaire later in the evening, let’s just say that the hash is not lacking in men with talented pipes.

As 30 odd hashers (and I mean ODD) gathered outside of Len’s McDen to pay tribute to the dead Scottish poet, there were misty eyes as Bobbin McRobbin piped a few tunes to start off the evening.  Someone was even heard to have said to him “Nice pipes; you’re a really good blower”. There was Scotch a-plenty in the circle, and the night was not without the traditional haggis…even if it was canned haggis brought by Sucks McEverything who begged the bartender to warm it up for him. Clearly a proud moment that won’t soon be forgotten at the hash.

The Grand Mattress wowed everyone with her amazing knowledge of Gaelic in the circle…either that or she was just choking on her gum.  Abandoned McPussy also wowed the crowd with her stellar and most graceful highland dance.  Or was she just choking on something as well?  Hares Dr. McFill and Bobbin McRobbin showed us the special marks of the trail as Ms. McPussy, in her ever so subtle manner, practically dove under McRobbin’s kilt to see what a real Scot wears under there. She left the circle smiling. But then again, so did he.  Hmmm.

The run was cheap and dirty (very scotch-like), and the group descended on the neighbourhood in their finest kilts or at least their Value McVillage renditions thereof. A precious sight indeed.  However, this “innocent” pack committed many heinous crimes during the run that the luscious RA du Jour (that would be me, McRubbermade), heard mostly at the regroup while trying to drink her beer. Luckily she can do two things at once.

The best choir ever was called to assist the RA: Frigid McBeaver, McLay ‘Em in Snow, and of course, Hash Soloist McCocktale.  Here are the highlights and punishments of the evening:

  • Visitors/Archives/Guests were welcomed to the hash – Strawberry Secret and Bob-a-long who used to hash 100 years ago, Adam, spawn of Dementia and of course Bobbin McRobbin. Bob-a-long was later punished for just giving his name of “Bob” in the circle and not his hash name.  Turns out he is also brother to Dastardly – clearly another reason to be punished.
  • Incredible Camshaft went down on trail without servicing MMM McLady Fingers or McRubbermade.  Rumour has it he was looking for his lost rubber from last week’s run.
  • Thunder Tits parked the drinkstop right beside a fire hydrant, undoubtedly to have easy access to water if hashers got too hot and bothered while listening to McBobbin’s sexy bag pipe playing at the regroup
  • McHardly and Spitting McBalls promised Rubbermade a view of their Scottish packages which never came to fruition.  Hardly claimed it was because “it was a little too cold out” for a good showing, and Mr. Balls claimed he just wanted to stiff Rubbermade.
  • Abandoned McPussy stated that McSkewbic Hare (who was noted to have an eery likelness to Willie the Groundskeeper on the Simpsons) led her astray on the run for which McSkewby was promptly rewarded the hash shit. –
  • Ms. McPussy received the other hash shit for actually following McSkewby (duh!)
  • Mc Dementia for calling our beloved Dr. Fill a liar.  Several times, in fact.
  • Lof T McPrancer and McWhite Balls were punished for being McSteamies…their heads were literally steaming at the regroup.  Is this normal or were they just letting off some steam?? (ha, I crack me up)
  • McDementia claimed that Dr. McFill was a big liar and tricked her on trail.  Well, duh, have you met Dr. McFill? Everyone knows he fibs his way through most runs.
  • McRoaring Nancy was punished for being heard to say “Irishmen know that real men don’t wear dresses”.  At least that’s what was thought to have been said…who can understand the guy?
  • McBuried Pleasure was punished for actually complaining that her boobs were ‘too large’.  Really?  This is a problem?  Dr. McFill doesn’t seem to think so. Perhaps wearing the “hat” shit for a week or four will help her with her dilemma.

The Robbie Burns run was rounded out by a lovely highland dance to yet another riveting solo rendition from McCockTale of that favorite Scottish hash song: My Body Lies Over the Ocean.

I’m quite sure that Robbie Burns himself would have had a tear in his eye at this point. You know, the kind of tear that screams “Great Scot, make it stop!!”  I know I did.

On On!

Frigid Beaver dance

#1785 – The Krusty Cock Run

Hares : Krusty & Cock Tale
Where: Stonewall Pub
Big Rock: in the Stone Wall
Attendance: 32

Mmm! Krusty Cock
Mmm! Krusty Cock

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The circle was a muddled, confused mess again, minus our Hashmattress who was sitting at the wrong bar waiting for a hash that never showed…   There was already nervousness, the weather was mild, and the hares were Cocktail and Krusty.  One could only imagine the trail they talked themselves into setting in the mild weather.  Visions of 2 km check backs,  marathon distance, and other horrible ideas ran through the shifting circle.  In the end, a perfect length, and a very well set trail for the Krusty Cock combo, brought miles of smiles to the hashers.

Eventually the Rubber-mole drove cross –town to the right mole hill, and everyone could start the run together.

Master Beater believes the walkers of the Calgary kennel to be his adoring fans, and chose to thank them for their support during the hash.

The action heated up as Hot Cheeks tried to throw Frigid Beaver into a puddle, some contrived it to represent that Ms Cheeks does not like getting wet.

Auntie Frank disclosed during the run that his safe word is “Oh Baby More”, no word on what Baby thinks after this revelation.

Down downs were accounted for, and duly handed down by Religious Advisor Abandoned Pussy.

As she chose her choir, the Hash held their breath.  Sticky Lips, Pink Meat, and Frigid Beaver all together.  After the “fire truck” incident… Would they sing the “A Soldier” song?  Why yes they did, and yes they did without any mention of fire truck.  Probably a big relief to Can You Hear Me Now, who was likely troubled by the usage of fire truck, as much as the needs of Knightstalker!

Other down-downs:

1200 Runs for King Shit

Double 69’s:  Skewbic Hair with 669 and Blue Balls rapping out 1069

Sticky Lips and Pull My Woody for laying the wood to a deer in the headlights

Mmmm Lady Fingers lost spike on the trail

Tighty Whitey – On tap

Hardley was recognized for his beautiful snow angel making

Can You Hear Me Now and Auntie Frank, being left behind

Master Beater and King Shit for some trumped up charge of racing or such thing…

Hardley, Skewbic Hair, and Roaring Nancy closed out with a song no one really heard before, or at least remembered…



#1784 – Dr. Who Run

Hares : Mystery Hares
WhereBig Al’s, 1915 – 31ST SE
Big Rock: Bring some home to the Tardis tonight
Attendance: 29

Run 1785 photo

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The secret hare returns. I wonder about this recent fad and why hashers do not want to take ownership over their runs. Is it because they think it’s a shitty trail?
Well, whoever this hare was, they need not worry.

The trail was confusing enough to keep the pack together, but simple enough that we actually found the regroup.

Long enough to have hashers walking by the end, and short enough that Abandoned Pussy and a sick (but probably pregnant from a hot tub) Bare Down There made it to the regroup without shortcutting.

Scary enough that many community members came out to ask us if everything was okay and even scarier for the young hooligans who screamed and bolted when we ran towards them. Lucky for us they weren’t packin’. We were in the Northeast for goodness sakes!

To be honest, back at the bar, I didn’t hear shit. I guess the conversations of unions, teacher conventions and labour laws were way more exciting than what the RA had to say. But being the half-ass scriber that I am, I figured at least I will get her notes and copy from there.

Now I don’t know how much Dementia consumed at the regroup or whether her “condition” is affecting to her fine motor skills, but I can’t understand a fucking word on this paper, and I teach some kids with Grade 1 writing skills.

Your secret scriber  (secret, because I know it’s a shitty scribe)

Dementia's scribbling scrawl

#1783 – Shackie’s Shocking Trail

Hares : Shack Shock, Lof-T Prancer
WherePizza Bob’s, 2610 Kensington Road NW
Big Rock: Great with pizza!
Attendance: 25

See photos from the Run!

Shacky and Lof-T’s Shocking Prance

If you stayed in the bar, or just stayed away to watch the World Juniors, you missed a fun trail and hash set by Shack Shock and Lofty Prancer out of Pizza Bob’s.

Lof-T Prancer and Shack Shock were downed for their effort, after which Lofty was given a chair of distinction at the front of the room where the substitute R.A., Master Beater, could keep a watchful eye on him.  Seems the shifty Lofty has been up to some shifty stuff and keeping all of it from Beater… to be continued…

Dr Phil had outfitted for the occasion in his fine urban alpine tourist puffy coat, before changing into an equally trendy set of hiking boots (indoor use only), and puffy vest (for indoor fashion).  He was as “Midwest Urbane Hipster Meets the Mountain” as it gets, sans handlebar mustache.

Some gal who called herself Sticky Lips, (they tell me she is an archive) showed up and then yelled at the hash later when she found the words “fire truck” had been used replacing the proper words in her favorite song.  “But C&%$ is my favourite word!!!” exclaimed Ms. Lips.  Word to Knightstalker and Pink Meat… it might have slipped out that you two were responsible, and something might have been mentioned about handing down judgements…   might be a good idea to lay low for awhile?

The flask of Jaeger was passed and nothing but vapors remained, the conversations were jovial, even if the temperature was not.

Goes Both Ways explained that he was in street clothes, because Frigid Beaver was frigid.  I don’t know the price of eggs in China, nor am I a doctor, somehow I’m supposed to know why that makes Goes Both Ways unable to Hash… but I confess I don’t.

By now, Blue Balls had had enough of the pre-run shitshow, and made his point known in the circle.  No screwin’ around, this is full-on hashin’ folks!

Dementia, Tight Lips, Man o Pause, and Can You Hear Me Now were Front Running Bastards of the run.  I know…. There’s really no explaining, it’s… complicated.   Skewbic Hair, Hardley, and Daisy Dukes followed marks… and instead reverted to using their beer-dar to locate the re-group.  In the end all made the regroup at Shack Shocks Shiggy Shack Out Back, where Tight Lips sneered a harrierette sneer at the hashers collected around the regroup cooler, knocked down a second beer to their one, and was off on her way to the On In.  Dastardly ran directly to the regroup, and then directly home apparently – no one heard from him again.

Man O Pause showed minimal sympathy to the way ward hashers, asking where they were, and quickly pointing out that although he thought about the missing hashers, there was beer…. And, well…. There was beer. He was downed.

Roaring Nancy pulled the ole Disappearo/Reappearo, and offered no comment.  Aliens?

Can You Hear Me Now was penalized for hazing the less talented and slower Master Beater, by taunting him early in the run, and then driving the stake through his heart at the regroup.  What a heartless, competitive man he has become.

Hardley was brought forward with apologies that the self-centred hash had accepted his gifts of down-downs, beautiful Christmas songs, and grabs of his sack, yet no one had gifted poor Hardley only 3 nights prior to Christmas.  The wrong was righted, and we think he’ll come again.

King Shit was recognized for just being King Shit.  Which made him happy… until the Hash sang hurray to the horse’s ass… after which he was not!

Daisy Dukes proved his loyalty to the hash, imitating Dagwood Bumstead’s Daisy by waiting at each mark for the hash to catch up and exclaiming proudly, “On-on! On-on!”

In a tender, moving moment, the hash sent off Pyro for his annual migration to Singapore… with a heartfelt fuck off.

Russia didn’t win by the way – for those who didn’t come to the Hash, I could have told you that, and you could have saved all the time watching to find out!

In the end, Lof-T’s summary of what he had learned from the time-out given to him in the front of the room, is that Master Beater apparently is a good candidate as someone who likes to babysit.  Oh no – do not go there Lofty!  The rest of you think about it, if you haven’t already figured it out….


Master Beater

#1781 – Last Hash Run of the Year!

Hare: Dr. Fill
WhereShamrock Hotel, 2101 – 11 Street SE
Big Rock: One last time
Attendance: 16

See Photos from the Run!


Lost’s Episode

The hash, as told to me by a lost Lost in Space, the evening’s Religious Adviser:

Hardley was Choir Master – by all accounts, he sang poorly, which in the hash is of course good.  Tighty Whitey commented that the choir was like a bad MC at a wedding… it still manages to work.

Spitting Balls begged to keep the hash shit one more week as he wanted to dress it up more

Buried Pleasure snitched on Skewbic Hair for showing up early to the run – which Skewbic as a rule never allows to happen.

Rubbermade snitched on King Shit for complaining that someone stole the hash camera and took under the clothes pictures.  King Shit threatened to put the pics on the internet.

In turn, Rubbermade responded, “who cares? No one knows who it is”.  Rubbermade may have volunteered at that point to do a complete and thorough investigation.  I wasn’t there, but I know Rubbermade…

Dementia was called up… but no one remembers why

The rest is Lost in Space by Lost in Space.  Its swirling out there somewhere in the cosmos, but it has no hope of coming back to our Lost.


Master Beater

#1779 – Christmas Tutus!

Hares : Twisted Sister, Rubbermade
Where: Rosemont Community Hall
On-In: The Local 390
Big Rock: is fabulous!
Attendance: 38

Frozen Beaver & Dr Fill

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Double Deuce Hashmas! 

What a bunch of naughty, naughty, naughty girls and boys!

A great trail set by Rubbermade and Twisted Sister complete with Christmas Light displays and booze from a straw regroup – such a classy group!

Despite a trail looping through wonderland, Scrooges Dastardly and Hot Cheeks were heard not quite ‘ere out of sight, “This is want happens when girls set trails” and the standby favorite humbug, “Who set this shitty trail?!”.  The latter one earned the head shit for one Ms Cheeks.

Baby was unimpressed with the lights and distractions, and was later spanked with a down-down by the RA for being a, well, a Baby about the Hash Hold being so long!

The run was not without controversy, as Not Too Deep and King Shit mysteriously disappeared during the run, and just as mysteriously reappeared in the same parked car in a seedy little corner of the hockey rink lot.

Not a surprise really, since Cocktail was wearing Rubbermade’s Tutu… or Rubbermade was wearing Cocktail’s…  oh never mind.

Men O Pause tried to lighten the lack of Christmas spirit by handing Sucks Everything the keys to his new house (but not the double secret password to lower the drawbridge or the code to type in that would raise the wrought iron gate with spikes blocking the entrance to the alabaster marble driveway).  Strange that he would entrust the keys to the castle to Sucks, who was incapable of remembering to drag the hash stick during the hash, but a naïve pause and his house are soon parted…

Mmmm Lady Fingers and Cam Shaft showed up to provide some added cheer, and it was fitting that the Christmas 22 Hash was held at the Hash fav bar, Local 390.

Cam Shaft showed up to pull his 100 run gift mug from under the tree, and hashers attempted to hold off a mid-winter’s nap as they waited, waited, and waited for Master Beater to sip his half yard for 200 runs.  The Pink-Beater daughter, Savannah perhaps should have stood in for him based on her chug of the remaining liquor at the Re-Group?

As I saw it, there was hardly a dry eye in the house as i-Prick, Skewbic Hair, and Master Beater caressed the hash’s ears with beautiful holiday influenced hash songs.  There had not been a finer trio since Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, and Dean Martin crooned the very same tunes – in fact the resemblance of i-prick and Skewbic Hair to Sinatra and Martin was really uncanny!  Those that disagreed were probably just bitter old Scrooges.

Hardly masterfully shared the spirit of the season as the night’s Baby Jesus R.A., awarding Christmas mini-half yards to Lost in Space and Can You Hear Me Now, and had a lot of harrierettes and hashers reach in to feel around his sack to see what would come out.

Desmond Tutu/Gomer Piles lost his crown, Goes Both Ways his balls – both on trail

Hash Mattress Rubbermade was presented her very own shiny New Year hash shit for what we hope will be her future great work on running the hash!

Near the end, as with all holiday parties, this one fell completely apart.  Shakespeare and Lay ‘em in Snow sacrificed an innocent pineapple with the help of a Local staff’s samurai sword to bring in a Pineapple Express of snow.  It should be noted it didn’t work, and a poor pineapple was chopped mercilessly for the folly of drunk super-slurrin-stitioned Shakes and Lay’em.

I still don’t know why we needed to bring 2 “#2’s”…  I carried a pair around all night and no one collected them, and Pink Meat complained they stank all the way home.  I’ll never understand Christmas, or the Spirit of the Hash completely I guess.

On On!

M. Beater


#1778 – The Hasher Games

Hares : Granny Panties & Running Dry
Where: Bella Roma Restaurant
Big Rock: with pizza!
Attendance: 33


See photos from the Run!

As a cold and icy night falls on The Capitol (AKA Calgary), the people from the districts gather together to see who will be chosen for the down-downs.

District Sets a Long Ass Run in The Cold: Grannie Panties and Running Dry

District Can’t Hold a Note in the Choir: Masterbeater and Baby

District Stalker: Roaring Nancy and Tighty Whitey (Tighty is leaving his clothes at Roaring’s, so he has an excuse to always go back.

District Too Much to Scribe on Her: Dementia (taking hooker phone calls while on trail)

District Threesome: King Shit, Pyro and Thunder Tits (Watch out for her, boys! She is a man user on trail!)

District Slap a Bitch (AKA Lac La Biche): Archive Goes Both Ways

District Xmas Party Crew: Spitting Balls, Buried Pleasure, Dr. FIll and Frigid Beaver

District Nerds: Skewbic and Menage a Trois

District Down on Trail: Twisty

District No Life: Comes and Goes (his 200th run)

District New Guy: Tim (Now be known as “Lying Sack of Shit” for trying to invent his own hash name of Hackysack)

May The Odds Be Ever in Your Beer!

Effy (AKA Abandoned Pussy)

#1777 – Birthday Beauties

Hare : Dementia, Mucky Dip & Frigid Beaver
Where: Joyce on 4th
Big Rock: You’re as young as who you feel
Attendance: 39


It was a celebration of magnificent proportions! Everybody who was nobody was there. Amidst the decorations, games, cake and beer you could find the Birthday Beauties celebrating in style. Dementia, Frigid Beaver and Running Dry know how to throw a party! Conspicuously absent was Mucky Dip… or was she? Has anyone ever seen Mucky and Skewbic Hair in the same room? Either way, Skewbie’s impersonation (complete with pointy hat boobs and a tiara) was spot-on and we barely noticed that Mucky wasn’t there. Somehow overlooked was poor Frogodile whose birthday was a mere 11 days away.

To start the party, we were provided with grow-sticks, blow-sticks and paddles. The blow-sticks were a disappointment to say the least, and inexperienced hashers blew and blew to no avail. Ménage à Trois was seen teaching Baby and Gomer Piles how to use their paddles. Unfortunately in the excitement that followed, Baby lost one of his balls and consoled himself by sadly blowing his horn in the corner. Undeterred, Ménage set about showing Spitting Balls how to activate his grow-stick with a good whacking. Spitting Balls was later found mumbling something about an STD. Feeling saddened by her inability to impart her knowledge of grow-sticks and paddles, Ménage à Trois tried to throw herself in front of a bus. Thankfully, Pyro, ever the gentleman, made sure everyone else made it back to the bar in one piece.

As with every party, there are those that are determined to ruin the fun:

  • Blue Balls was accused of being the sexiest. Or was it sexist?
  • Party poopers Dr Fill and Buried Pleasure tried to bore everyone with their incessant babbling about gloves and shirts.
  • Bare Down There told lies about the innocent virgin Rob in an attempt to punish him for something that was likely her fault. This behaviour can only be blamed on her lack of a positive role model (ahem… Granny Panties).
  • Roaring Nancy and Anne brought a beer cooler that smelled like after-birth – apparently this is a family tradition for birthday celebrations. Ew.
  • There were also several uninvited party-crashers… Sonia, Marg, Joel… who the heck are these people?

The festivities wrapped up with Thunder Tits pounding down shots in honour of her 400th run (gheeze, get a life). Then with Tighty Whitey’s blessing it was on to cake!

On on!

~ Froggie