1804 – Who’s Your Master Run

Hare : Masterbeater & Pink Meat
Where: Master Beater & Pink Meat’s Crantucky Love Palace
Big Rock: Goes Well with Whiskey and Grilled Critter Bits
Religious Advisor: Dementia
Attendance: 30

Doris Day rides a 'Roo

See photos from the Run!

On a night when I marked the trail 3 times due to torrential rains, I was asking myself “what the hell?”  The whole damn hash (well only about 100 of them) all jumped the trail to the Regroup anyway!!  Problem?…  well yeah, when its the SECOND Regroup, and the alcohol is waiting at the FIRST regroup!

Wildlife count – 2 Eagles and a nest (unconfirmed how many eaglets), a coyote, many deer, a duck’s nest, a leg bone to a deer, a stuffed monkey, an owl, many mosquitos.  Pretty decent for an urban run in Cran-tucky!

Hot Cheeks, Tight Lips, and Hardley all managed to find true trail, run the best shiggy I could find, do a swamp crossing, duck through deer trails, bushwack through the underbrush, and climb one massive hill to the jello shots on RG 1 where the remainder of the hash had finally made their way over.

A few hardy hashers later followed the true trail for the trip to RG 2, going for a fun rip down the valley.

The weather held, Dastardly and Thunder Tits’ baked beans were enjoyed with swill and smokies.  Some whiskey’s were sampled, Dementia laid out the religion – it was a good night in the Deep South for the hash!


Master Beater

1803 – Victoria Day Run

Hares : Spitting Balls, Buried Pleasure
Where: Big Al’s
Big Rock: Fit for a Queen!
Religious Advisor: Her Majesterbeater
Attendance: 27

Run 1803

See photos from the Run!

Spittin Balls and Buried Pleasure setting a trail.  Buried providing parental guidance on trail setting? Shiiiiit…  And that’s what they set up the trail to be – Shitty Trail.  Even marking it with the letter “S” and announcing the same in the circle.  What it wasn’t?… A Shitty Trail of course.  Yes, true to hash form, what is said is never what is led, or in this case, marked.  Lots of trails using direction changes, hairpin turns up and back fence lines, hovering around enough school grounds, playgrounds, and athletic fields to make any hasher with a restraining order nervous.  Down alleyways where treasures abounded, and pathways that confounded.  No Spittin’ Balls and Buried Pleasure, if Shitty Trail is what you were going for, you missed the mark and laid yourself a nice one!  (Trail that it is!)

Hot Cheeks took over the confusing trail, and promptly acted as tour guide to a group of hashers… on a tour to absolutely nowhere.  (Well, actually back to where they started)

Flashpants found herself in a scary alley.  Thinking quick, she grabbed a disguise.  A bag.  A bag to put over her head.  But wait!  The hash then realized, that’s no bag!  That was a pillowcase laying in the trash in the alley…near big Al’s!…  Ewww!

Baby and White Balls were caught leading Pink Meat to an alley, sexual offense averted.  For now.

While apparently the Moses of the Hash is now Hardly (he has a following… some would say stalking), it was actually Dastardly that ran in the front all hash, and earned the FRB honours

Running Dry held the FRB title for a few seconds, exclaimed “Look!  I’m an FRB!” and then lost it at the very next corner.  Probably because while all the other Harrierettes scowled at the gangsta kids driving by wolf whistling and saying they’d be coming back later, Running Dry smiled from ear to ear, waved, and replied, “Ok!  I’ll be here!”  (The harrierettes ensured she was NOT still there later).

Auntie Frank wasn’t a FRB.  Small wonder, as he was observed looking at naked pics of Knightstalker on Can You Hear Me Now’s phone.

Poor Shack Shock found herself after a demanding run in No Beer Land… she couldn’t find the regroup OR the On-In!  Thankfully she was rescued, and brought to the On In where she was able to rehydrate after her ordeal.

On a long weekend with the hash buzzing for a lengthy time at the regroup and the weather damn near perfect, all was another day in almost hash paradise!  “What could be better?” a harrierette mistakenly asked.  Well, funny she should ask! For as has become her custom, Queen Elizabeth flew in to visit her subjects on anti-independence day.  (Otherwise known by non-Americans as Victoria Day).  For an old gal who doesn’t live nearby, she sure knows a lot about our kennel!  It’s a well-known fact among hashers that Lizzy is one hashin’ crazy bi-iitch!  And her favourite hash kennel is none other than Calgary’s own!

Well there she was (I’m told – I have missed seeing her every year), and she was dealing out the religion royally to the whole hash that made it out!

Shakesbeer was struggling with counting the down down beers.  And by struggling, I mean it took him 4 times to count to 20.  Math is hard, but I think he knew the importance of the occasion, and was nervous about shorting the Queen?

Abandoned Pussy announced pre-ceremony that she wasn’t driving and she should be downed as many times possible

Who would the Queen call up first?  Why the hare’s of course!  After downing them she dubbed them royal choir, and just to show the Hundred Years War may be over, but not forgotten, she called Princess Monkey Spanker to continue setting the record straight of who serves who…  PMS overshadowed the Queen, busting into a rendition of Do-Re-Mi that the whole room wished could have been recorded!

Word was that Pink Meat was hungry enough to eat a dinosaur. Luckily one was found for her… in an alley… on the gravel… and landed in her drink to marinade.  It worked! She wasn’t hungry the rest of the night!

Can You Hear Me Now thought he wasn’t hungry after hearing all of Twisted Sister’s birthing stories… but somehow managed to eat an entire pizza anyway

Flashpants ignored hash royalty when she ignored the “scheduled” R.A. for the night, even when he kindly waved to her before the run. The Queen was not impressed and royally downed her.

A special request by the harrierettes to call up Comes and Goes for royal questioning and ask “Where’s Nick?”  Comes and Goes responded he went back home.  It got quiet for a while…

Blue Balls was called on the royal carpet by the Queen and asked point blank if he was a monk, hence the silence was perhaps a vow.  It is believed he may have breathed a reply not fit for hearing, but we’ll never know, as its Blue Balls, and he has learned to communicate without talking… like a dolphin.

Ménage a Trois … Oh Menage!  You’re allure is so great, I can’t even remember what you did – I’m bedazzled! But you did something and it was royally rotten I’m sure

Pump n Schwing was royally chastised and told to start doing some stupid things

No deed goes unnoticed.  Especially the creepy voyeurism of an “old man”  Frogodile Hunter gave her Fish Shit deservedly to King Shit for his work on the camera and comments on asses and tits

Skewbic Hare, Mucky Dip, and Tight Lips arrived from the GT, which was a good thing, because our Hash Mattress is a complete cycling freak and was dying 20 deaths wondering how it all turned out this year.  It was also a good thing because the hash was able to toast Skewbic Hare with the last remaining hash down down beer!  I think I saw a tear in his eye.  He must have been so happy for us!


Master Beater

1802 – Get a Job You Lazy Bums

Hares : Comes & Goes, Skewby, Rubbermade, Roaring Nancy
WhereBally’s Bar & Grill, 2905 – 14 St SW
Big Rock: It’s not for kids!
Religious Advisor: Dementia
Attendance: 41

Geezer Crossing

Old people and babies have so much in common!  They both like their food mushed up or liquid, both crave attention, neither get sex anymore, and they both have all the time they want to do whatever they feel…  Only in this case, our old people are underemployed and desperate for something, anything to do… maybe even set a trail for the hash!

So it became that Rubbermade, Skewbic Hare, Roaring Nancy and Comes and Goes set the way for the hash.  Clearly a trail set by someone with LOTS of time on their hands.  A long trail, with looooong check backs, including one with a playground marked at its terminus, and a “PG” mark just in case you weren’t sure what it was you were viewing.

That particular check back motivated Master Beater, drunk with the power of being selected into the choir with Hardly and Daisy Duke, to belt out “Shitty Trail” to the miffed chagrin of the hares

Ms. Dementia (who in a very appropriate demonstration in the circle when she paused to try to remember her own name), served out the very much needed Religion to the Hash.

We had another blessed visit from Prom Night Dumpster Baby, and a return of archive Canine Jelly (we think, she’s not very sure she is herself). Comes and Goes’ spawn Nick, with friend Alex came along to show that cowboy boots and deck shoes not only belong together, they belong hashing together!

With the hash getting served by the hares, apparently our kennel has taken it upon itself to serve itself…

Mucky Dip “found” a purse and returned it to the rightful owner (minus the cash is the rumour heard)

Not Too Deep decided she should have special privileges and stopped mid-trail to use some poor shop owner’s washroom

Cocktail decided it was a great idea to serve himself some ice cream while waiting for Not Too Deep

Can You Hear Me Now gave something to someone.  It doesn’t matter what it was, because he changed his mind and took it back anyway

Skewbic Hare served himself high end beer.  Apparently having no job pays WAY better than anyone could have imagined??

Shakesbeer either served himself to, or “picked up” a fancy new pair of shoes…  Dementia thought they were slippers worthy of drinking from, which he did

Shirley served it up both ways

Sheila served herself to some pump and schwing

_____ couldn’t bear to just run along with the rules, and instead brought along technology to serve advantage

Shakesbeer showed up at the playground serving up his 1 inch worm to everyone

Daisy Duke serves no one.  To prove it, he flipped off Master Beater and Hardly with both hands from across the road when he realized they had used him to find the check back

Tight Lips and Hot Cheeks considered serving themselves up to a hot runner along the trail

Nick and Alex paced themselves…  only helping themselves to one drug at a time

A new name was served upon a poor unnamed hasher.  I wish I could remember the new name, but alas, its not to be.

Finally, in recognition of the night where the lazy bums who really need to get a job set a trail where the arrows couldn’t even be relied upon, the hares were downed for following what appears to be a new mantra for the Calgary kennel, “Helping you help yourself”

The hash helped themselves to all the free beer left at the end, and I helped myself out of there.

Practically every week I write it, only to write it again…  How could it get any worse?!


Master Beater