Hares : Lay ‘Em in Snow and Shakesbeer
Where: Nose Hill Park, behind the Winter Club
On-In: The Local 390
R.A.: Cock Tale
Big Rock: Springs to Mind
Attendance: 25
On-On!
Category Archives: Run
A numbered hash run
#1793 – Luck O’ the Irish
Hare : Roaring Nancy & Bare Down There
Where: Shamrock Hotel, 2101 – 11 Street SE
Big Rock: Irish I had one right now
Attendance: 28
On-On!
#1792 – Bare Balls Run
Hares : Bare Down There & Spitting Balls
Where: Stix Sports Bar, 5255 Richmond Road SW
Big Rock: Swallow it; don’t spit
Attendance: 37
Bare Balls Run
More incredibly great weather greeted the Calgary H3 kennel again as they set on a Bare Down There and Spittin Balls run through the neighborhoods near Styx Pub. It was a straight forward trail, no messing around. Plenty of trail markings and arrows, and lots and lots of dogs. Seems the Hash has caught on that Hash Mattress Rubbermade is an animal lover! Seeing her face glow when either a shaved squirrel on a leash or some type of canine/rodent genetically modified experiment proceeded to shit in the Hash circle… was priceless! The whole hash could feel the love!
Lay ‘em and Shack Shock were caught with technology on trail. And Pink Meat was brought up mostly because the Calgary Hash had not been able to sing the Australian song in way too long of a span. Bare Down There was downed for the genetic experiment shit in the circle, and Sucks Everything for whizzing on trail, which is a reason to show off his wanker.
Men O Pause drank a large tankard of beer for his 169th run. This was important to later in the night as Rubbermade had earmarked Pause as being the one she could hand off the half yard if she ran into trouble. Her plan had to be changed.
With young guns setting the trail, Religious Adviser Dr. Phil felt compelled to tell some of the best pedophile jokes told in the hash… assuming it has been done before.
The highlight (and much of the evening) was taken by Rubbermade as she sipped the half yard like it had never been sipped before for her 350th run.
Quickly, the aging Doctor ran out of steam, and suddenly there were copious amounts of free beer for the hashers! Oh what a great and giving R.A. we have!!
On On!
Master Beater
#1791 -The Sound of Beer
Hares : Tighty Whitey
Where: King’s Head Pub, 9116 Macleod Trail South
Big Rock: Dough! The stuff, that buys me beer…
Attendance: 26
On-On!
#1790 – The Lost Boy
Hare : Lost in Space
Where: Hose & Hound Neighborhood Pub, 1030 – 9 Ave S.E. (Inglewood)
Big Rock: is rocking’ da hood!
Attendance: 37
All memory of this run is lost.
On-On!
#1789 – Valentine’s Run
Hares : Bare Down There and Granny Panties
Where: Rose and Crown, 1503 – 4th Ave SW
Big Rock: for Lovers… Beer Lovers
Attendance: 29
Hares Grannie Panties and Bare Down There really showed their stuff in setting the trail. Love hearts adorned the sidewalks including 17th Avenue, and broken hearts greeted the would be FRB’s that ran the wrong way. Hardley went wrong in a bad way, and was not seen until the On In. Hashing is unforgiving at times, and poor Hardley was kicked to the curb after chasing (sorry – “running after”) a reportedly very cute runner that turned out not to be hasher. So it goes.
A rat, squirrel, or some assumed to be, mammal roamed around the inside of the circle, adding an edgy element before the start.
Roaring Nancy celebrated his 200th run with a large-sized Down Down
American transplant Master Beater, acting as Religious Adviser, utilized his covert “monitoring network” (every American has one), to intercept Valentines messages sent from various Hashers and Harriettes to one another.
The messages as intercepted, though as gruesome and sickening as our kennel, read as follows:
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
If he’s busy on Valentines Day,
the side chick is you!
Wear nothing, not even your bikini
I’ve spilled some gin on my weenie.
I thought this uncouth,
So I’ve added vermouth,
Would you like me to slip you a martini?
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
You should know what you are.
And once you know what you are.
Mental hospital is not so far.
I love you baby,
It’s you I have really missed
But all that time you were away,
I was sleeping with your sis!
Roses are red
Carnations are white
I’ve been to the chemist
how about it tonight!
Roses r crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oooh I’ve just come,
Pass me a hanky.
Violets are blue,
Roses are thorny,
Be my Valentine,
Because I’m horny!
You were so distant
Now we’re as one
Thanks to some duct tape
And a glue gun
Roses are red.
Sex is elementary.
Let’s call up a friend,
And try double entry!
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Zippers are tough
But I have faith in you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
What I thought was vaseline,
Turned out to be glue!
I wish I was your mirror
Hanging on your wall
Cause every time you get undressed
Guess who’d see it all?
I love you almighty
I wish your pyjamas were next to my nightie
Now don’t be mistaken
Don’t be misled,
I mean on a clothes line
And not in the bed!
I wish I were a bar of soap, lying in your hand,
So every time you took a shower, I’d see the promised land…
On On!
Master Beater
#1788 – You Light Up My Night Run
Hares : Hardly, Twisted Sister and Snevil
Where: Nose Hill Park – 64 Ave Parking Lot, (64 Ave & 14th St NW)
On-In: Game Time Sports Bar, 6219 Centre St. NW
Big Rock: Brilliant Choice!
Attendance: 28
Somewhere out there on Nosehill was a throbbing, glowing stick. Find your way to the beer, follow your stick. Many hashers are already accomplished at this, and showed off their talents following the glowers that Hardley dropped from behind.
Something seemed strangely sinister as running back from a check back, resulted in discovering trail that previously wasn’t Jack!
Methinks the Hash was had by a conniving live hare! A hash of this sort has been recently very rare!
Off he went lickety split, me jumping around trying not to freeze off my stick.
Galloping and hiding, and doing in again, me wondering why I didn’t at least bring gin
With relief we found it was soon over, we are at peace drinking beer from a poor man’s Range Rover. (It rhymed – leave me alone).
Religious Advisor Tighty Whitey handed out penalties and such, but I was drinking and can’t remember much.
So to those I left out, who want to wriggle and pout, write the next scribe you lazy old sout!!
On-On!
Master Beater
#1787 – The Anal Toboggan Run
Hare : Abandoned Pussy
Where: Rosemont Community Hall
On-In: The Local 390
Big Rock: Pizza and Beer… Who’da Thunk It?
Attendance: 25
Frosty the Snowman would likely not have been impressed with the sledding exhibited at the Toboggan run on this particular night. From accounts given, Spittin’ Balls could very well be Splittin Balls after his epic tumble down the hill, and Cocktail and King Shit almost became “Cockshit” when they collided so hard on the hill.
In the end there were no runs to the Emergency Room (that were noted), and the Hash survived its yearly attempt to commit suicide on the Calgary non-approved hills.
Religious Adviser Tighty Whitey brought up Twisted Sister and Hardly up as choir, they (willingly?)chose King Shit to help them
Some remnants of Dr Phil’s party weekend were downed. While playing “Cards against Humanity”, Running Dry asked for a definition of “Jizz” (it was easier just to show her). It was discovered that Menage a Trois likes “snorting cocaine off a clown’s boner”. You just can’t make it up I guess.
Lay Em In Snow was awarded best sled prize, his childhood sled from 1869
Dastardly was recognized as having the worst sled prize (a cardboard box)
Dr Phil, Buried Pleasure, Sucks Everything were brought up to explain that
the Hash retired the old Hatshit after Bob’s 60th Bday bash in part because Sucks Everything was complaining how so many people wore helmets nowadays, saying “When we were kids we never had any of this” … Sucks was duly presented the new winter hat shit to wear(of course).
Abandoned Pussy was crying that her hash shit wasn’t given away… so of course she got to keep it!
Roaring Nancy asked the RA 3 times during the run who was the RA for the night. Tighty thought perhaps we should change his name to Al Zhimers since Dimentia is taken, and properly downed him for annoying the R.A.
Bare Down There was changing in Spitting Balls’ car before the run. We don’t know if that meant just putting clothes on, if there was a reason they fell off of her in the first… there was a lot of skin, feet on the rook, and tattoos flying around inside that car. It sounded like a high school parking moment much more than a simple change. More to come… or not…
Finally, Twisted Sister and Hardly drank their half yards in celebration of 1000 runs. They are only the 5th and 6th (or 6th and 5th) in CH3 history to endure that many On-Ins! Twisted Sister was kind enough to drink slow enough so that they finished together! Way to go Twisty!
On-On!
Master Beater
#1786 – Rubbie Buns
Hares : Dr. Fill and Special Guests
Where: Len’s Den, 801 16th Ave. NE
Big Rock: Aye Laddie!
Attendance: 39
Robbie Burns’ Run 2015
It was a musical night that Robbie Burns himself would have appreciated. Ok, tolerated. Well, he certainly would have heard it from the grave. Between Bobbin McRobbin’s lovely Scottish bag pipe tunes and McCocktale’s many, many, many clever solo hash song renditions as hash choir member extraordinaire later in the evening, let’s just say that the hash is not lacking in men with talented pipes.
As 30 odd hashers (and I mean ODD) gathered outside of Len’s McDen to pay tribute to the dead Scottish poet, there were misty eyes as Bobbin McRobbin piped a few tunes to start off the evening. Someone was even heard to have said to him “Nice pipes; you’re a really good blower”. There was Scotch a-plenty in the circle, and the night was not without the traditional haggis…even if it was canned haggis brought by Sucks McEverything who begged the bartender to warm it up for him. Clearly a proud moment that won’t soon be forgotten at the hash.
The Grand Mattress wowed everyone with her amazing knowledge of Gaelic in the circle…either that or she was just choking on her gum. Abandoned McPussy also wowed the crowd with her stellar and most graceful highland dance. Or was she just choking on something as well? Hares Dr. McFill and Bobbin McRobbin showed us the special marks of the trail as Ms. McPussy, in her ever so subtle manner, practically dove under McRobbin’s kilt to see what a real Scot wears under there. She left the circle smiling. But then again, so did he. Hmmm.
The run was cheap and dirty (very scotch-like), and the group descended on the neighbourhood in their finest kilts or at least their Value McVillage renditions thereof. A precious sight indeed. However, this “innocent” pack committed many heinous crimes during the run that the luscious RA du Jour (that would be me, McRubbermade), heard mostly at the regroup while trying to drink her beer. Luckily she can do two things at once.
The best choir ever was called to assist the RA: Frigid McBeaver, McLay ‘Em in Snow, and of course, Hash Soloist McCocktale. Here are the highlights and punishments of the evening:
- Visitors/Archives/Guests were welcomed to the hash – Strawberry Secret and Bob-a-long who used to hash 100 years ago, Adam, spawn of Dementia and of course Bobbin McRobbin. Bob-a-long was later punished for just giving his name of “Bob” in the circle and not his hash name. Turns out he is also brother to Dastardly – clearly another reason to be punished.
- Incredible Camshaft went down on trail without servicing MMM McLady Fingers or McRubbermade. Rumour has it he was looking for his lost rubber from last week’s run.
- Thunder Tits parked the drinkstop right beside a fire hydrant, undoubtedly to have easy access to water if hashers got too hot and bothered while listening to McBobbin’s sexy bag pipe playing at the regroup
- McHardly and Spitting McBalls promised Rubbermade a view of their Scottish packages which never came to fruition. Hardly claimed it was because “it was a little too cold out” for a good showing, and Mr. Balls claimed he just wanted to stiff Rubbermade.
- Abandoned McPussy stated that McSkewbic Hare (who was noted to have an eery likelness to Willie the Groundskeeper on the Simpsons) led her astray on the run for which McSkewby was promptly rewarded the hash shit. –
- Ms. McPussy received the other hash shit for actually following McSkewby (duh!)
- Mc Dementia for calling our beloved Dr. Fill a liar. Several times, in fact.
- Lof T McPrancer and McWhite Balls were punished for being McSteamies…their heads were literally steaming at the regroup. Is this normal or were they just letting off some steam?? (ha, I crack me up)
- McDementia claimed that Dr. McFill was a big liar and tricked her on trail. Well, duh, have you met Dr. McFill? Everyone knows he fibs his way through most runs.
- McRoaring Nancy was punished for being heard to say “Irishmen know that real men don’t wear dresses”. At least that’s what was thought to have been said…who can understand the guy?
- McBuried Pleasure was punished for actually complaining that her boobs were ‘too large’. Really? This is a problem? Dr. McFill doesn’t seem to think so. Perhaps wearing the “hat” shit for a week or four will help her with her dilemma.
The Robbie Burns run was rounded out by a lovely highland dance to yet another riveting solo rendition from McCockTale of that favorite Scottish hash song: My Body Lies Over the Ocean.
I’m quite sure that Robbie Burns himself would have had a tear in his eye at this point. You know, the kind of tear that screams “Great Scot, make it stop!!” I know I did.
On On!
Rubbermade
#1785 – The Krusty Cock Run
Hares : Krusty & Cock Tale
Where: Stonewall Pub
Big Rock: in the Stone Wall
Attendance: 32
The circle was a muddled, confused mess again, minus our Hashmattress who was sitting at the wrong bar waiting for a hash that never showed… There was already nervousness, the weather was mild, and the hares were Cocktail and Krusty. One could only imagine the trail they talked themselves into setting in the mild weather. Visions of 2 km check backs, marathon distance, and other horrible ideas ran through the shifting circle. In the end, a perfect length, and a very well set trail for the Krusty Cock combo, brought miles of smiles to the hashers.
Eventually the Rubber-mole drove cross –town to the right mole hill, and everyone could start the run together.
Master Beater believes the walkers of the Calgary kennel to be his adoring fans, and chose to thank them for their support during the hash.
The action heated up as Hot Cheeks tried to throw Frigid Beaver into a puddle, some contrived it to represent that Ms Cheeks does not like getting wet.
Auntie Frank disclosed during the run that his safe word is “Oh Baby More”, no word on what Baby thinks after this revelation.
Down downs were accounted for, and duly handed down by Religious Advisor Abandoned Pussy.
As she chose her choir, the Hash held their breath. Sticky Lips, Pink Meat, and Frigid Beaver all together. After the “fire truck” incident… Would they sing the “A Soldier” song? Why yes they did, and yes they did without any mention of fire truck. Probably a big relief to Can You Hear Me Now, who was likely troubled by the usage of fire truck, as much as the needs of Knightstalker!
Other down-downs:
1200 Runs for King Shit
Double 69’s: Skewbic Hair with 669 and Blue Balls rapping out 1069
Sticky Lips and Pull My Woody for laying the wood to a deer in the headlights
Mmmm Lady Fingers lost spike on the trail
Tighty Whitey – On tap
Hardley was recognized for his beautiful snow angel making
Can You Hear Me Now and Auntie Frank, being left behind
Master Beater and King Shit for some trumped up charge of racing or such thing…
Hardley, Skewbic Hair, and Roaring Nancy closed out with a song no one really heard before, or at least remembered…
On-On!
MB