2168 – Don’t be Bitter, It is you Sister!

Hares : Daisy Duke
Where : Parking Lot near Bitter Sisters, SW corner of Heritage Drive & Haddon Road SW
Attendance : Twenty… nine*
(*walkers and runners formed two separate groups of fewer than 20)

As the Calgary Hash House Harriers entered Stage 2 of Reopening the Hash, we introduced our CH3’s Open for Hashing Plan, in 10 simple and sometimes redundant measures:

  • Trails are set for Monday nights.
  • Run/walks begin at 7:00 pm for everyone
  • Circle up at 7:00 pm
  • All trails will have fully supported regroups
  • Hash cash will be reinstated at $5 per run
  • Down Downs will be outside
  • On the Piss: hashers can congregate after the run in any local pub, within current restriction
  • TGIF’s will no longer be virtual; they will be the typical random shit shows
  • Masks are not required outside
  • 2 metres distance must be maintained between members of different households

As this was the first regular hash in over 14 months, the hashing gods sent us not one, not two, but FOUR virgins. Tom, Jon, Aichee and Chuck showed up for one of the longest trails in recent hashtory. It also happened to be a scorcher of a day. They were troupers, though, and stuck it out to the bitter (sisters’) end.

This trail confirmed that Daisy likes ’em long (even longer than Hump the Shark). What a sizist. He also conveniently “lost” the onesie of shame while on trail. Luckily, a replacement Hash Shit was made available during down-downs.

Two milestones this week:

  1. Pyro (the legend) ran his 1269th run
  2. That firecracker Strap On Crampon celebrated her 100th. She happened to be wearing a Pyro vintage shirt and brought virgin Jon with her (featured). It’s a beautiful thing when the hash goes full circle. It brings beers to our eyes.
Pyro – 1269 runs
Strap On Crampon (right) – 100 runs
Walkers, at the big H.

On-On!

2167 – Southern Hump Run

Hares : Hump the Shark
Where : The Berwick Public House, 356 Cranston Road NE
Attendance : 23 (running in multiple groups of fewer than 10)

They’ve got the moves like Jagger.

Q: What’s long and goes up at a 45% gradient?
A: Hump the Shark’s t(r)ail.

True to himself, Hump the Shark took us on an extended run up and down hills, across waters and through wooded areas. Because he’s such a class act, we were met with a cooler full of beers at the end.

Scavenger Hunt Items

  • Hooters
  • Bird Condominium
  • Babbling Brook
  • Dragonfly
  • Nitwit
  • Mountains
  • Grader
  • Teddy bears

One milestone this week: Abandoned Pussy rode her way through her 369th. To celebrate, Strap-On Crampon cracked open her special bottle of Cask Strength Alberta Premium Rye.

Hashers’ balance and remarkable core strength ensured that no one fell in.

Absolutely NO fucking ONE.

Yours truly, PMS

ON ON!

2166 – Frogs, not only in Québec

Hares : Lay’em in Snow & Dastardly (again!)
Where : End of 40 Ave and Varsity Road NE
Attendance : 23 (running separately, some from remote prairie locations)

Dastardly, who can’t seen to wanna stop haring, offered his assistance to other fellow Master Trail Setter Lay’em In Snow. They braved snakes and amphibians to set us a record setting trail that featured big wood, red-tipped cocks (or was it red-winged blackbirds?), beavers and a huge hole.

World’s Longest Scavenger Hunt list

  • 4-plex birdhouse
  • world’s biggest check
  • inaccessible island
  • red-winged blackbirds
  • port-a-potty
  • swimming dogs
  • big log with a H on it
  • future hoodoos
  • Cliff swallows (at least that’s what he says)
  • beaver house
  • mountain bikers

Not many hashers are as into bird watching as Dastardly and Lay’em apparently are (we’re into a different kind of bird watching), so no one completed the scavenger hunt. Slippy Thong was reportedly too busy scanning the ground for reptiles to notice anything else.

Hump The Shark lost his car keys in the wilderness, which put him in the awkward situation of not having access to his beer at the regroup. Fear not, dear reader, some generous and selfless hashers provided Hump with libations, proving once again that the hash will always be there for you in your worst moments of need.

On-On!

2165 – A Two Four Blowout

Hares : Booty Camp & Snow Blower
Where : Booty & Snow’s Love Nest, 1739 – 27 Street SW
Attendance : 12-ish? (running separately)

Rashy Bush is pretty horny.

Monday was a very wet day and some of our most hardcore hashers passed on this trail. But rest assured that it wasn’t too wet for Pyro. He came.

Booty Camp and Snowblower opened their back door for the last time and they set a nice trail for us: not too long but really really hard. Lying Sack and Slippy Thong managed to make it longer (by rubbing it fervently, I assume) while Rashy Bush and Stool Stuffer never found it at all!

Scavenger Hunt Items

  • Red winged blackbirds
  • The world’s biggest pile of sawdust
  • A wishing well
  • Lily of the Valleys in bloom
  • Mansion on a hill

Mmmmmmh Ladyfinger’s interpretation of the scavenger hunt list is looser than she is! In her defense, they were out of town, so she made do with what she had.

One milestone this week: Skewbic Hair “ran” his 950th, which – for once – he got recognized for on the actual day, thus robbing him of any excuse to whine.

On-On!

2164 – Epic Sun & Run Covid Combo for Five!!

Hares : Liquor Lots, Oozie Pizzle Panties, Dastardly
Where : Bowmont Park, 85 St NW, Calgary
Attendance : 29 (running separately)

This week again, hashers were asked to run trail on their own or in groups that follow the current health measures. Safety Third!

Scavenger Hunt Items

  • a snake 🐍
  • waterfall 💦
  • a train 🚂
  • a wheelchair ♿
  • a non-hashers dog 🐕
  • a bicycle 🚴🏾‍♀️
  • hasher in a bikini 👙
  • (optional ball pic)

It’s always a treat when veteran hasher Dastardly helps set trail. The hares did a remarkable job in this gem of a location. It was hard, wet, and slippery. We got high and we went down. The hares promised an 8k true trail and they delivered just that: no underselling, no over-delivering.

This was also the trail of many milestones:

  • King Shit ran his 1500th, securing his spot as the Runner Up to the Hash’s biggest loser title. Get a life, King Shit!
  • The beautiful Mucky Dip (569 runs) 69’ed fellow 69-er…
  • Liquor Lots (69 runs). Lesbians are best, boys!

Depending on when you ran trail, you may have run into Bownesian yoots loitering by the river, throwing caution to the wind and empties into the Bow. Tsk tsk.

Yours truly, PMS

On-On!

2163 – A Plague Upon Your Hashes

Hares : Pull My Woody and Sticky Lips
Where : West Hillhurst Community Association, 1940 6 Ave NW
Attendance : 25 (running separately)

The Creation of Hash

This week marked the first trail set since the latest set of mandatory restrictions. Because the Calgary Hash House Harriers are responsible law-abiding citizens, hares set trail but hashers were asked to run trail on their own or in groups that follow the current health measures.

Scavenger Hunt Items

a bus or train stop
a construction site
a “sold” realtor sign
a massage parlour
a tree with Xmas lights
(dick pics optional)

Trail was well marked (with V’s for on, C’s for checks and X’s for checkback) and left very little room for error, unless your name is Haywood Jablömee, in which case you ran every which way, paying little attention to marks and made the trail 19km long. Even your Strava gave up on you and reported back in two separate segments.

He looks pretty pleased with himself too.

The rest of us underachievers kept it real and stuck to the #realeagle or turkey trails.

The hare apparently forgot what he was doing half way through marking. Squirrel!

Carry On-On!

2162 – Hash Country for Old Men

Hares : Can You Hear Me Now and Aunty Frank (?)
Where : King George School, 2108 10th St. NW
Attendance : 20-something (in multiple groups of fewer than 10)

Math is hard, but hashers are harder.

Can You Hear Me Now and Aunty Frank (maybe? Was he even there?) delighted us with a wonderful trail that covered varied terrain. Proving that they are indeed “Old Men” and losing their marbles, the hares forgot to mention that they used flagging, on top of the myriad of chalk marks featured above.

This week marked Snevil’s 800th. She is still quite spry and could easily pass for a hasher in her 400’s. It was noticed that she disappeared on trail, with Daisy Duke AND Roaring Nancy. Whatever were they up to??

The highly elusive short-limbed Prairie Snevil in her natural habitat

Despite CYHMN’s promises of a “no killer run”, the Eagle trail took us on a treacherous urban cliff and had hashers grabbing at shrubbery for dear life. I’m happy to report that everyone survived (which I guess fulfilled the hare’s promise).

There are no reports of anything that went on with the 7pm group, proving the adage: “What happens with the 7-Crew stays with the 7-Crew”.

The next few weeks will have us back to running alone (or in smaller groups). We made the most of it this week, while we still could.

On-On and stay safe out there!

2161 – Red Deer Hashers Reunion Run

Hares : Camshaft and Mmmm….Ladyfingers
Co-Hares : I Killed Kenny and Straddlepuss (Red Deer expats)
Where : Mid Sun Community Centre, 50 Midpark Rise SE
Attendance : 22 (in multiple groups of fewer than 10)

Strange hieroglyphics sighted on trail

So, because I didn’t actually run trail, this week’s Scribblings will be a mix of hearsay, lies and other made up sh!t (as opposed to the usual mix of just lies and made up sh!t).

Here is what transpired on trail this week, in no particular order:

  • the hares used weird “Red Deer” marks, which was very difficult to adjust to, particularly for the folks in the 7pm group who really don’t like change. To them, it was the hash equivalent of speaking in Tongues.
  • The Po-Po must have been tipped off about suspicious behaviour in the neighbourhood and started circling the 6:30 group. It made King Shit dump his stash of girl guide cookies and actually run, for a change. Turns out the Fuzz was after a group of much more dangerous kids on skateboards.
  • Lying Sack of Sh¡t was once again seen going into a bush to do some shady business. It appears that this is a weekly occurrence.
  • Hare I Killed Kenny, despite setting trail just 4 hours prior to the run, was very cumfused and couldn’t remember which way was what. It didn’t help that the marks were very parsimoniously placed. Maybe there’s a chalk shortage? I blame Covid.

Regardless, everyone found their way back to the regroup where they each drank their own beer, while being physically distant (and mentally out there).

Scoobie can drink in two languages, too!

On-On!

2160 – Hope you enjoyed the weather on Saturday

Hares : Snevil
Where : Inn on Officers Garden, 150 Dieppe Dr SW
Attendance : 23 (in multiple groups of fewer than 10)

Image not actually taken on trail, but a fair representation nonetheless.

She who sucks no Evil (a.k.a Snevil) set a most head spinning trail. We did feel bad for her that she had to set it in pretty horrific weather (compared to Saturday’s patio weather), but such is the life of a Calgary hasher.

No worries though: she got her revenge by circle-jerking us to death.The 6:30 crew got so delirious that we lost true trail shortly after that and started wandering aimlessly through Rutland Park. We did eventually find our way back to the beer.

This was never a problem for King Shit and Sticky Lips, who stumbled upon Wild Rose Brewery immediately at the start of their “walking trail”. King Shit claims to have followed the arrows.

Arrows never lie

On-On!

2159 – Spring into Action! How Muddy Is It?

Hares : Skewbic Hair and Dastardly
Where : South Glenmore Park , 3520 90 Ave SW
Attendance : 23 (in multiple groups of fewer than 10)

Dastardly joined forces with Skewbic Hare to set an epic trail in and around Weaselhead (Head? Who said head? I’ll have some of that!)

Newly named Oozy Pizzle Panties was caught doing shady dealings from the back of her van after the run. King Shit even went into debt to re-up his supply. He swears he’s good for it.

Daisy Duke stripped at the end of the run and this hasher does not know who ended up picking up the Onesie of Shame. Stay tuned for an update.

On-On!