2245 – The HHHHike Trail

Hares: A.P.
Where: A.O. Wheeler Hut, Glacier National Park, BC
RA: A.P. and King Shit
Attendance: 14

This trail was part of our anal fall hiking weekend in the mountains. Thanks to King Shit’s planning, we scored a whole 30 people hut for our 14-man group. Included were 1 Edmonton visitor (Dark Side of the Moon) and 1 archive (Tommy TwoFinger) who both drove close to 6 and a half hours for this. They’d agree that it was totally worth it. We also had a near-virgin. Jenni-you-can-call-me-anything-fer had only hashed once before and joined our ranks for the night.

It has become tradition to have a numbered trail at these events. The length and difficulty of those trails are inversely proportional to the hare (and the pack’s) level of intoxication.

AP set trail and RA’ed. She took it very personally that not all members of the group did her trail and she gave them non-alcoholic French beer as punishment!

Other offenses included:
· excessive awesomeness (PMS, Dark Side, Strap-On)
· sexually explicit comments regarding King Shit’s whiskey
(“it’s really quite thick. It coats your mouth but it’s quite good once you swallow”, “I really can’t do it. I suck so hard”, “it finishes really well after it shoots out of your eyeballs”)
· making the RA feel guilty for missing her rugby game
(and others I can’t remember on account of alcohol).

Our newbie got named. She had mentioned that her name was Jennifer, but could be called “Jen, Jenny, or Fur“. She later mentioned something about “rubbing Jen-itals”. She will henceforth be know as Furry Genitals.

Thompson Falls trail
Boys like to compare the size of their chalk. Lofty says he doesn’t need to compensate.

On On
PMS

2244 – Epic Trail with a View!

Hares: Liquor Lots, OPP, Hardly & Snevil
Where: Elite Brewing and Cidery, Calgary, AB
RA: Tardy Dastardly
Attendance: 16 (+ a throuple of bashers)

We were promised an EPIC trail with a view by the dynamic Liquor Lots, OPP and their respective pups. They claimed it was going to be the trail of the year, the trail to end all trails.

Wellllll, it sure was a trail like no other. In fact, it was no trail at all! On account of their lack of foresight, their 100% chalked trail got completely washed away by today’s torrential downpour. So here they were, at 7pm, with their trails between their legs asking for volunteers to live hare the thing!

Our two hash heroes Snevil and Hardly stepped up to the plate and set just what we were promised: an epic trail with a view. You can tell an experienced hasher by the quality of their live improvised trails.

Late cummer Dastardly was punished and made to RA.
Bashers were punished and made to entertain us with their mouths. There was much rejoicing.

On on!
PMS

2243 – Booty and Snow Blower Set Trail!

Hares: Booty Camp and Snow Blower
Where: McDougall Park NE, Calgary, AB
On-In: Fiddler’s Courtyard, Calgary, AB
RA: King Shit
Attendance: 14

These two must be the Calgary Hash House Harriers’ most prolific hares. They just can’t get enough.

Sadly, tonight’s run saw a very small committee of only the most dedicated and athletic hashers. Someone even pointed out that, for the first time in hashtory, the # of Full Mooners (Saturday night) exceeded the # of hashers at the Monday run.

Bridgeland trails typically offer hills and a mix of urban and trail running. I couldn’t exactly tell you if this one did, as Snevil, Rashy and myself missed the second half of the trail. WHY, you ask? Even though arrows never lie, hares sure do and Snow Blower pointed us in the wrong direction.

We won’t stay mad at him however; it was his birthday after all. And for his birthday, he gifted us with a “Magic Mike” moment:

Take it off, take it off, take it offfff…

Here are some of the offenses that occurred on trail:
· Cam Shaft’s new girlfriend lives on his wrist and whispers sweet nothings to him.
· Daisy Duke is a (corn hole) playa. Apparently he went straight for the hole without any foreplay or prior lubrication.
· walkers all stopped on trail for “fluid adjustment”. They oughta be publicly pissed on.

On on!
PMS

2242 – Nev-R-Bin’s Rainbow Rampage

Hares: Nev-R-Bin [X] and her daddy Stool Stuffer
Where: Paskapoo Slopes, Calgary, AB
Directions: SW Calgary near Calgary Olympic Park.
RA: Hump the Shark
Attendance: 25

This Pride Themed run had everything to make all of us proud: the hares took us up and down (and up again) delightful trails and the pack had the athleticism to keep up! Yay us.

Most people remembered to wear rainbow coloured gear but Abandoned Pussy had the foresight to bring her rainbow markers to adorn the losers who forgot.

On on!
PMS

2241 – Regina Bound (and Gagged)

Hares: Business in the Back and co-hare Lazy Cummer
Where: Business Office – Business in the Back, 515/151 (or is it 511?) Scarboro Ave SW, Calgary
RA: Booty Camp
Attendance: 40

Business is being lured to the “greener” pastures of Regina! Tonight was his last trail with us before he begins is sentence.

Lazy Cummer and Business in the Back

This trail might as well have been called :Two dicks, one trail. Not just because of the hares (although they *are* a couple of assholes) but also because they cleverly shaped their trail as a couple of dicks (one big, one smaller). I wonder whose is which?

Strap-On Crampon was highly offended that the hares didn’t use her dick, which she thought was much better. She had mapped a trail of her own, in the shape of a better-looking penis (in her opinion) but the hares were satisfied with their own misshapen members and disregarded her turgid macrophallus.

The trail was the source of confusion right from the get-go as two separate addresses were listed on the website as the start of the trail. Our Edmontonian visitor took the hareline instructions very literally and went on knocking on some neighbourhood door looking for a “business in the back”? Evidently, this was because some dylsecix hahsre edited the hareline for it. Let’s blame, Skoob. Or King Shit.

The trail was extremely well marked. Some (Skewbie again) complained that it was in fact overmarked. True enough: there were marks every 3 meters, arrows galore and very few checks, which made for very long stretches of straight up running. (Now, if we were interested in training, we’d join the Running Room.) The rationale – said the hares – was that the trail *had* to be long and hard because their penises were erect.

Speaking of other running groups: it was brought to light that Business in the Back has other running friends! “Night Something” is the name of that other running group. We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed.

The trail was an all-around (and straight up up up) fun time. We had archives (Froggy), visitors (Man-AIDS from San Diego and Dark Side of the Moon from Edmonton) and virgins (Sarah and Owen).

ON ON!
PMS

2240 – August Spectacle in Fish Creek!

Hares: Abandoned Pussy
Where: Fish Creek – Shannon Terrace Amphitheatre, Calgary, AB
On-In: Gators Sports Pub SW, Calgary, AB
RA: PMS
Attendance: 25

Why this run wasn’t entitled “Huzzah, PMS is back“, I don’t know 🤷.

Despite the run’s poor name choice, Abandoned Pussy gave us a wonderful trail. It was not too long, not too short, with just the right amount of wetness to keep us moist and refreshed.

This trail saw lots of race-ism (athleticism rather) and sexual offenses:

🚴 The kidlets (Bah Bah Beer, Beer Crusher, Huggy Bear) and Hump the Shark were caught (separately) bike shaming electric bike riders calling them “cheaters”. Not everyone can be as athletic as us, you know.
🍑 Ménage à Trois was seen stripping on trail.
✨🚿 After his first round of chemo, Stool Stuffer’s bodily fluids are so toxic that there can be no golden showers for three days. Lying Sack kindly offered to cover for him for that period of time to avoid Rashy being disappointed.
🌳 Dastardly admitted to going for the bush and going down (and something about it being too hard)
👹 Skewbic Hair was being creepy by luring people into the deep dark woods and he was heard breathing extra hard while running next to a harrierette.

We had two visitors from Vancouver: Nemo and Missing Link. Nemo put us all to shame by being the FRB most of the time. To even it out, Missing Link was DFL.

Runs that occur on the 22nd are tutu (2-2) runs, and most people got the memo (though not all remembered):

On on!
PMS

2239 – Stylish and Swanky Summer Soirée

(alternate naming: Sweltering, Slutty, Sexy Summer)

Hares: Hot Cheeks and Ménage à Trois
Where: Ménage à Trois and Hot Liquor’s back yard
RA: Someone appointed by Rashy Bush, maybe her hubby Stool Stuffer?
Attendance: 20-ish (TBD)

We are most grateful for a jolly good evening of splendid fun at Lady Ménage and Sir Hot’s wonderful abode.

Our two organizers Lady Ménage and her lady-in-waiting Cheeks set a most marvelous trail which was thoroughly enjoyed by all.

A light supper of Cheet-ohs and Dorit-ohs followed. Guests had the good taste not to behave infra dignitatem, get absolutely blotto and make (complete) asses of themselves. With the exception of his royal highness King Shit, of course*. Luckily, “when drunk, [hashers] often become amorous or maudlin or vomit in public, but they never become truculent.” (Alan S C Ross, Linguistic class-indicators in present-day English, 1954)

*Since this was typed before the event even occurred, it might be utter poppycock. Who knows?

Pip Pip Cheerio!
PMS (see you soooooon!)

2238 – Matrimonial Bliss Run

Hares: Boo-Blow (Booty Camp and Snow Blower)
Where: Royal Sunalta Park, Calgary, AB
On In: Two House Brewing, Calgary AB
RA: Snevil
Attendance: 23

You know what they say: couples who hash together stay together! These two CH3 superstars met at a Calgary Red Dress event yeeeaaars ago (photographic evidence below) and they are still going strong! Tonight was their anniversary, and what more romantic evening than to set trail and hare together?

This Bennifer of Hashing set a trail that took us through their old stomping grounds. Kind of like a “Hash down memory lane”.

Here is what the RA Snevil reported back:

· Choir was held by On-in and Dastardly. Such seasoned hashers must have done a fine job of it.

· Snevil was miffed that – week after week – trails continually go past her house and hares have the audacity not to plan for a regroup there.

· Sexual offense: Harrierette Just-10 Beaver and newbie Just Bill ran down secluded cul de sacs together. Some name ideas were thrown around, possibly relating to his sexual prowess: Just-10 Seconds was a contender… In the end, he remains Just Bill for now.

· Liquor Quicker got lost on trail and was ultimately saved by the walkers.

In other news, here is the selection of this week’s most photogenic hashers:

There were other noteworthy moments:

ON ON
PMS

2237 – Untappd Celebration Run

Hares: Tighty Whitey
Where: Bitter Sisters Brewing Company, Calgary, AB
RA: (ex YYC hasher now visitor) Sticky Lips
Attendance: 24

So apparently, this was a sponsored run, brought to you by UNTAPPD. WTF is Untappd, you ask?? LMGTFY (Let Me Google That For You).

Hare Tighty Whitey is really into it, and not only does he share his achievements with the Untappd Community, but he also makes sure that the Calgary Hash House Harriers stay abreast of his progress. In case you’re not a part of either of these exclusive groups: he’s approaching unique beer #3500. (I only drink macro-brews myself so I don’t really get it; but it’s a big deal, I guess.)

So to celebrate his love of craft beers and/or OCD, TW set a (probably) most wonderful trail starting from one of Calgary’s breweries!

A bunch of hashers had gone to the Crowsnest Pass for the yearly Grimaldi* Adulting Weekend, so it’s surprising that attendance was still relatively high this Monday.

Anyhoo, the regular snitches and documenters were away so, we have little to work with other than King Shit’s compulsion to take photos of his dog (and other pooches).

On On!
PMS


* the name has been changed to protect the anonymity of the Hot Cheeks Family. Also, the Grimaldi name is classy and refined, much like those Adulting weekends.

2236 – There’s No Place Like Home

Hare: Snevil
Where: Sandy Beach Park, Calgary, AB
On-In: Marda Loop Brewing, Calgary, AB
RA: Hump the Shark
Attendance: 28

Snevil hadn’t been back from England for a day that she decided to set trail. What a trouper.

We were excited to see special UK marks or for the hare to be speaking with a strange accent but alas, everything was sadly very normal. To be clear, normal isn’t boring. A Snevil normal is…

This scribe relies 100% on the tales and photos of people who actually attended the run. Tales vary in length and girth, depending on whose they are. But this week, Hump the Shark needs to be acknowledged for providing HOT AND READY tales.

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[Hump The Shark] had the pleasure of being RA tonight so [he] figured [he]’d send [me] some notes 🙂:

– Tonight was a fantastic shiggy trail by Snevil, balls/muff deep in the Elbow.
– we had two visitors, Big Stick from Australia and Banshee from Vancouver
– two new boots joined our ranks: Bill brought out by Just Ten Beaver and Sonya brought out by Business In The Back
– [Just Ten Beaver and BIB] failed to tell them all the hash rules. Bill “won the hash” with a finishing sprint and Sonya wore a race shirt.
– the hash was to vote on who got the hash shit for not teaching the new boots properly. But BIB snuck a beer and was awarded it promptly
– we had a fantastic choir of Folk fest volunteers (Booty Camp, Snow Blower, Liquor Lots and AP). They did a rousing rendition of Monty Python’s Philosopher’s Song for Dr Just Ten Beaver
– Twisty got crabs on the walking trail (sic [what is this all about??])
– Abandoned Pussy will be known as Wet Pussy after the river crossing until she dries out
– Never Been was ratted out by daddy Stoolie for her new shoes
– lastly, the recently renamed Can Crusher was in fine crushing form tonight.

The walkers

ON ON!
PMS (but, really, Hump The Shark)

A Drinking Club with a Running Problem — The Calgary Hash House Harriers