Based on the length and shiggy level of Pyro’s runs on a regular day, it’s surprising that anyone even showed up on a day when he’s apparently so angry that he needs to seek revenge (dun dun duuuuun). Why was the run named that? No one knows. Probably just Skewbic Hair’s flair for the dramatic and the fact that it looked cool on the website.
If you’ve never met Pyro, he’s this sweet looking older gentleman, cuter than a garden gnome. But looks are deceiving: he’s a mean motherf%$^er. He’ll make you run through vipers’ nests and scale boulders if he gets the chance.
Surprisingly though, there were no vipers sighted or boulders scaled. In fact, it was said that some runners finished only minutes after the walkers. What exactly happened? Was the running trail exceptionally short or did the walkers feel particularly ambitious? –> Mmmmmh Lady Fingers (a most reliable tale teller) mentioned that the walking trail was long and hard and that the runners were good-for-nothing short-cutters. She’s still bitter that they did not get punished for it.
Dastardly – who is known to go wandering off on his own – finished DFL (Dead F$%^ing Last) again. There was some speculation that his tongue got stuck on a pole.
BYOW (Bring Your Own Wood) were the instructions for this week’s trail. Things got H-O-T indeed!
Trail was as delightful as Daisy always sets them, with the added advantage that all three trailblazin’ Front Running Bastards (🥇 Insane Bolt, 🥈Maple, 🥉Hump The Shark) did all the hard work for the rest of the pack. In this version of the Tortoise and the Hare, the hares hurried at the front and the many tortoises stopped at Sneevz’s House for some beers (except for Mucky Dip who never got the memo and probably blamed Skewbic Hare for it). Never one to miss out on free beer, Skewb was reportedly guilty of B&Eer-ing (i.e: breaking and entering in order to steal a beer).
Many other offenses occurred on trail but poor Sneevz inherited the Hat Shit, despite opening her house to free-loaders. She does wear it well, though.
In a similar vein of under-appreciation, Hot Cheeks complained that the fire at the regroup wasn’t a “Rinaldi Fire”. How hot does she want her cheeks to be??!
We had the surprise visit of an OooOooooOoOold archive, On-In. There was some debate as to who was oldest in attendance but since Pyro was present, it was quickly settled that he deserved the Old Fogy award that night. Can You Hear Me Now sighed a sigh of relief.
Hares : Snevil Where: Reader Rock Garden, Calgary, AB Attendance : 22 (I made that number up) Actual attendance: 23
As for any Hashes occurring on a 22nd, hashers are encouraged, nay mandated to run in a tutu (2-2). Now in theory, the hare too wears a tutu to her own run. But not this hare, noooo. Snevil does whatever the fuck she wants. And apparently, the RA let her get away with it.
To make up for Snevil’s tutulessness, Rashy Bush delighted hashers and passers-by with a lighted (lit?) tutu that matched the colours of the Calgary skyline. Get lit!
This run was blessed with one visitor: I was told they’re Begging For It. Is that their name? Is that just a statement? I’m not sure. A New Boot was also present and archived Hung Loose.
Pyro celebrated his birthday yesterday and he is said to have turned 69 again. The man won’t go past 69.
Liquor Lots’ dog Poppy smelled a big fat beaver on trail. Liquor Lots and Abandoned Pussy were later on talking about what would happen if they couldn’t use their fingers. If she couldn’t use her fingers AP’d just bury her face and eat.
There were other allegations of sexual offenses on trail and AP (her again!) reported that Cam Shaft said he would “throw her down on a mat & wreck her ass”. Yikes.
Karate Klit, Lay’em in Snow and Dastardly set a most wonderful trail through scenic and hip Sunnyside.
Camshaft succinctly summarized the trail in these words: “The hares took the runners all over the area, including going onto the Rosedale Ridge, then back down the f’ing hill to the north side of Sunnyside then across 10th street back up the f’ing hill to the south SAIT parking lot back down a goat trail to Riley Park, then crossing into Hilhurst, then over to the Bow River and across the bridge. Eventually the runners ended up back in Sunnyside to try find the elusive TVP for a big tree view point.”
Woah, that description took almost as long to read than it did for the pack to run the actual trail! And that trail was over 7kms of fun!
It was reported that Slippy avoided the “Big Woody” tree because it wasn’t worth her time. It is a well known fact that Slippy does not like big wood. What does boyfriend Lying Sack have to say for himself?
After the run, the pack regrouped by the containers and RA Snevil aptly punishes all evil doers.
This was the first run since the end of daylight saving time: “really dark” at the start, the finish, and all the bit in between. In Tighty Whitey’s own words: it was a nice dark run to celebrate that we are alive and able to enjoy the outdoors in the cold and dark!
Tighty Whitey is another one who likes them long and hard. Some claim it was 9k (but Hot Cheeks likes to exaggerate) and others have technological proof that it was in fact 7andabitK (but Liquor Lots may very well have shortcutted. She’s that kind.)
Other grievances include: 😩 ”There was a lot of straight running. Felt like I was training for a 10km” – Hot Cheeks. Seriously, Tighty Whitey… Who do you think we are? Athletes? 😩 Tighty Whitey suffered from premature BeerNearing as”Beer Near” was marked 20 mins away from the regroup. 😩 The hare also didn’t seem to mind endangering the pack and sending them through bear territory. Rumor has it that Strap-On Crampon scared off a grizzly with the threat of a good time. 😩 On an unrelated note (or is it?), Strap-On Crampon got poked on trail (not the good kind).
Hares : Ms Cheeks & Ms Pussy Where: Ramsay Rink, Calgary Attendance : 22
All over the world, teachers report being ‘June tired,’ even though it’s only October. Luckily for us, our ”tehashers” (teacher-hasher hybrid) have a secret supply of energy just for hashing. And because they’re true leaders, they can even take on haring. Not all heroes wear capes.
Yes, teachers are heroes. They are also assholes. This particular brand of assholes took the pack on a series of long check-backs and past breweries that hashers were not allowed to go in, despite the frigid temperatures.
All was well that ended well though (Hot Cheeks and AP always provide happy endings). The pack regrouped – cold and exhausted – and our more technologically savvy hashers (nerds!) had clocked the run at around 10km.
All 22 hashers got to further cool down with a nice frosty beverage.
Hares : Strap-On Crampon, Hot Cheeks, Business in the Back & Lazy Cummer Where: Flavelle Park, Calgary, AB Attendance : 24
This sexy foursome volunteered to hare the ultimate run before Hallowe’en.
Here are some tales from the trail: 🎃 Snevil was short on cash for hash cash and had to duck off trail and do some shady dealings at the gas station to get some. 🎃 Virgin hares Business in the Back and Lazy Cummer laid a splendid trail although there were some complaints that their marks were too small. If their H’s are small, how big can their D’s be? 🎃 In the true spirit of Hallowe’en, Lay ’em got bitten by a rabid creature at the end of trail. See him transition in the next few days and watch your ankles next week! 🎃 More preoccupied by getting to the beer first than anything else, Skewbic Hair abandoned his paramour Mucky Dip in distress with a malfunctioning headlamp. 🎃 We had a visitor this week, all the way from Bermuda! When Bermudans get tired of the nice weather, they come to Calgary – in late October – to spice things up. There are conflicting rumors that he was here evading taxes or some such thing.
Does the run title “Little Erections” refer to the mayoral elections held this Monday? Does it refer to the fact that – as per his own admission – the hare “finally managed to get it up today”? He even posted photos online . And he did buy a whole boxful of widgets to help him get there – see below.
This was a trail full of sexual offenses of all kinds:
👉 Walkers enjoyed themselves thoroughly (or did they? There is some talk of a lack of being turned on because of “buttons” not being fiddled right).
🍆 Because Hump the Shark knows that everyone likes wood(s) (particularly dark wood) and everyone likes it deep, he set a trail that delivered on all fronts and there was much rejoicing:
🍑 Skewbic Hair tripped and landed rear end first on Slippy’s head, thus achieving his lifelong goal of sitting on a harrierette’s face (other than his wife).
💃 To further sex things up, the hare even had his special “sexy time” red-light district headlamp on.
Meanwhile, back at the parking lot, some non-consensual dicking happened. See for yourselves:
In other non-sexual stories: the Hardster (Hardly and Twisted Sister) provided snacks for everyone, and virgin RA Liquor Lots – along with co-RA Twisty – ensured her BFF OPP was attributed the hash shit (deservedly, no doubt, but for reasons unknown to the scribe)
Lof-T is pouting because: a) It’s Funyuns he wanted, NOT sour cream and onion chips. b) He accidentally sat on his chips. c) He wanted Skewbic Hair to sit on his face, not Slippy’s.
Hares : Pyro and Liquor Quicker Where: Tuscany Tim Horton’s Attendance : 13
The health measures and current Covid situations being what they are, our annual Thanksgiving Run did not include the usual potluck turkey feast. Still, in its place, Pyro and Liquor Quicker offered to provide us with a Turkey trail* instead.
It was cold. Too cold for most people to take pictures, apparently. One person did take pictures and they both feature Insane Bolt who did NOT experience shrinkage in the cold, au contraire! Just look at that bulge!
Milestones were celebrated in style, by our very own bard Dastardly. He fancied himself as a bit of a poet and treated the attendees to limericks (or something approaching limericks). Here they are, recorded for posterity on the information superhighway:
Slippy Thong – 100 Lying Sack – 300
Some of you may enjoy multiple O’s But there is a couple here we all know Don’t Follow convention And names I now mention Because she came three times less than her beau
Skewbic Hare – 969
So you want to do two at a time But wonder how it’s best to align? Or what’s the best ratio For doing fellatio? Then ask one who’s done nine sixty-nine
On on! PMS
*Hares can choose to set trails with Turkey / Eagle Splits, which are two ways to get to the same place. Turkey is easier and/or shorter. Eagle is longer and/or more challenging. Because it’s Thanksgiving, our gracious hares may only set a Turkey trail?? Still, it’s Pyro we’re talking about and his Turkey may very well be another hare’s Eagle, so…
Hares : OPP and Liquor Lots Where: Liquor Lots’s Lair, Erlton, Calgary Attendance : 26
OoooOoooh, tonight’s run looks like it was – in Hot Cheeks’s words – a GOODR. She is a little biased though, as she was (as per her own recounting of events) the 🥇WIENER🥇. Hashing being a strictly non-competitive … errr… “sport” (?), she got punished for her race-ism.
Our two hares provided us with a beauty of a trail and delivered on the weather too! There were stairs, ups and downs, bushwhacking and a ton of checkbacks which kept the front running bastards in check(back)! Because … you know… fall, headlamps are no longer optional. Slippy Thong didn’t get that memo and apparently got lost in the bush. Race-ist Hot Cheeks pointed out that Slippy was Dead Fucking Last by a good twenty minute margin. 🎗(Here’s Slippy’s participation ribbon)
Look at this beautiful round number of km’s. Ooooooh baby. 💦
(don’t forget me!)
A Drinking Club with a Running Problem — The Calgary Hash House Harriers