Hares: Tighty Whitey
Where: Bitter Sisters Brewing Company, Calgary, AB
RA: (ex YYC hasher now visitor) Sticky Lips
Attendance: 24

So apparently, this was a sponsored run, brought to you by UNTAPPD. WTF is Untappd, you ask?? LMGTFY (Let Me Google That For You).

Hare Tighty Whitey is really into it, and not only does he share his achievements with the Untappd Community, but he also makes sure that the Calgary Hash House Harriers stay abreast of his progress. In case you’re not a part of either of these exclusive groups: he’s approaching unique beer #3500. (I only drink macro-brews myself so I don’t really get it; but it’s a big deal, I guess.)

So to celebrate his love of craft beers and/or OCD, TW set a (probably) most wonderful trail starting from one of Calgary’s breweries!

A bunch of hashers had gone to the Crowsnest Pass for the yearly Grimaldi* Adulting Weekend, so it’s surprising that attendance was still relatively high this Monday.

Anyhoo, the regular snitches and documenters were away so, we have little to work with other than King Shit’s compulsion to take photos of his dog (and other pooches).

On On!
PMS

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* the name has been changed to protect the anonymity of the Hot Cheeks Family. Also, the Grimaldi name is classy and refined, much like those Adulting weekends.

Hare: Snevil
Where: Sandy Beach Park, Calgary, AB
On-In: Marda Loop Brewing, Calgary, AB
RA: Hump the Shark
Attendance: 28

Snevil hadn’t been back from England for a day that she decided to set trail. What a trouper.

We were excited to see special UK marks or for the hare to be speaking with a strange accent but alas, everything was sadly very normal. To be clear, normal isn’t boring. A Snevil normal is…

This scribe relies 100% on the tales and photos of people who actually attended the run. Tales vary in length and girth, depending on whose they are. But this week, Hump the Shark needs to be acknowledged for providing HOT AND READY tales.

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[Hump The Shark] had the pleasure of being RA tonight so [he] figured [he]’d send [me] some notes :

– Tonight was a fantastic shiggy trail by Snevil, balls/muff deep in the Elbow.
– we had two visitors, Big Stick from Australia and Banshee from Vancouver
– two new boots joined our ranks: Bill brought out by Just Ten Beaver and Sonya brought out by Business In The Back
– [Just Ten Beaver and BIB] failed to tell them all the hash rules. Bill “won the hash” with a finishing sprint and Sonya wore a race shirt.
– the hash was to vote on who got the hash shit for not teaching the new boots properly. But BIB snuck a beer and was awarded it promptly
– we had a fantastic choir of Folk fest volunteers (Booty Camp, Snow Blower, Liquor Lots and AP). They did a rousing rendition of Monty Python’s Philosopher’s Song for Dr Just Ten Beaver
– Twisty got crabs on the walking trail (sic [what is this all about??])
– Abandoned Pussy will be known as Wet Pussy after the river crossing until she dries out
– Never Been was ratted out by daddy Stoolie for her new shoes
– lastly, the recently renamed Can Crusher was in fine crushing form tonight.

ON ON!
PMS (but, really, Hump The Shark)

Hares: Daisy Duke
Where: Aforza (Formerly the Tennis Academy), Calgary, AB
Directions: off 50 ave SW.
On-In: Chefs N Farmers, Calgary, AB
RA: Hardly
Attendance: 19

Daisy Duke saves the hash (again) by setting trail. Not content with merely setting trail, Daisy set a dooooozie of a trail. He likes ’em long.

He also tasked the pack to track as many penises on trail as possible. He promised to trade alcohol for penises.
The walkers had a fun time – or so we’re told.

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Pyro and Liquor Quicker
Where: Tuscany NW Run Start Location, Calgary, AB
RA: King Shit
Attendance: 18

Here is what transpired on trail and after:

• Choir was masterfully lead by Skewbic Hair.
• Hashers who deigned grace us with their presence (archives): Insane Bolt, Lof-T Prancer, Liquor Quicker (hare AND archive? Am I reading this right?)
• We had a visitor from Switzerland: Bern Balls (why not Rug Bern, I wonder?)
• The following hashers (human and dog alike) were awarded the “Dirtiest” Award: Dastardly (human) and Poppy (dog)
• We had a series of “Dog Sluts”. It turns out that a variety of offenses will warrant you getting this title. When one dog slut drinks, all dog sluts drink!!
  – Just-10 Beaver was named dog slut extraordinaire. She earned the titled because despite having no dog of her own, she brought dog treats to the run. She volunteered to run with Maverick, whom Liquor Lots is dog sitting. She even ran back 200m down the trail from on-in with a poo bag to pick up after it. What a star.
  – Lof-T also ran with Maverick for a bit.
  – Twisty raved about her daughter’s new puppy.
• Blue Balls left before he could be downed. He needed to be punished for leading the walkers astray, and had to be dragged back by the hare.
• Sexual Offense: Twisty was complaining about elliptical trainers. She doesn’t like to spread her legs that wide (that’s NOT what Hardly says).
• Just Matt was named Sheep Skate: when cumming to pay for hash cash, he was a Toonie short. He had to rely on a pensioner on a fixed income (King Shit) to pay the rest!
• DFLs : Stoolie, Dastardly, Bern Balls were dead fucking last.  Liquor Quicker swept the trail and was significantly slowed down but their lack of athleticism.

Thank you for the detailed notes King Shit! And thank you Skewb for the photos.

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Ms Pussy & Ms Cheeks (and Ms Spanker in spirit)
Where: Pop Davies Athletic Part, Calgary AB
On-In: Ogden Whistle Pub, Calgary AB
RA: Head-Mistress Booty Camp
Attendance: 24

As most teachers are counting the minutes until the end of year bell (not to confuse with the year’s bell-end), our ed-dick-ators AP and Hot Cheeks were planning one last assessment of our stamina and ingenuity.

PMS – yours truly – who has been remote hashing for a year, is happy to review the work submitted by the class. Answers are eerily similar! Who copied off of whom??

AP and Hot Cheeks schooled us through and through. They truly are jack-off all trades.

Jack of all trades, master of none, the hares got called to the headmistress’s office for a spanking (or some other kinky punishment):

Speaking of kinky, some harrierettes decided to bust out their school girls outfits:

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Booty Camp and Snow Blower
Where: Spruce Cliff Pathway Access SW, Calgary, AB
On-In: JJ’s Neighbourhood Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: Cam Shaft
Attendance: 26

The longest day of the year should – in theory – bring us the longest run of the year, but the hares delivered a trail of very average length. Competing technologies clocked a different kilometrage but it hovered around 5k. It was established that Liquor Lots is definitely way more athletic than Skewbic Hair as she does more check backs than him.

What the trail didn’t bring in length, it compensated for in girth beauty. For these hares, giving us beautiful trails is innate (ha! get it? because trail looks like an 8??)

Here are the highlights of tonight’s trail:

🐰 the hares:

⭕ the circle (now that’s a fiiine circle):

🏃‍♀️the athletes:

🎱the playas and sexual offenders:

😀 Hashers having a good time:

😠 Hashers having a good time and others being weird about it

People pretending they have a life outside of the hash:

A trip down memory lane:

On on!
PMS

Hares: Stool Stuffer and Va’JJ (asking for seconds!)
Where: Paskapoo Slopes, Calgary, AB
On-In: Schooners Neighbourhood Pub SW, Calgary, AB
RA: Rashy Bush
Attendance: 16

We’ll preface these scribblings with the fact that despite having only lost his haring virginity to Stoolie a couple of weeks ago, Va’JJ was gagging for seconds!

Environment Canada warned that Southern Alberta was set to get a massive dump of rain over the course of a few days. As Calgary readied for this unrelenting rain, hares Stool Stuffer and Va’JJ psyched themselves up to set a truly shitty trail of epic proportions. It’s probably why they picked Paska-poo Slopes.

Because pavement would be too clean and not nearly slippery enough, they planned their “monstrous run” (Stoolie’s words) exclusively on dirt trails and marked 100% in flagging (chalk being a much more ephemeral medium).

We were told not once, but twice to bring our shiggy shoes and other mud friendly gear.

Environment Canada got it right, for once. And while the ghost of floods past still loom over us, the City of Calgary announced a state of local emergency in response to the heavy rainfall. Yikes!

Emergency-shmemergency: this has never gotten in the way of a good (or shitty) trail.

Karate Klit and Skewbic Hair both went down, but reportedly not on each other. For Scoob, it was just another Monday night but Karate Klit felt very dirty afterwards.

ON ON!
PMS

Photos by Skewb, MmmmhLadyfingers (with some tales) and Karate Klit
Run Map by Snevil.

Hares: Daisy Duke and Dastardly
Where: North Glenmore Park, Lot J, Calgary, AB
On-In: TBA
RA: King Shit
Attendance: 11 (wet blankets the rest of ’em)

When DD and D join forces to set trail, we are sure to get a trail that will deliver soggy shoes and mucky dips (that’s what they promised anyway). They like it wet and dirty.

And wet it was! Much of tonight’s “dirt” is related to how wet things got:

💦 Wearing rubber for protection (her wellies), Tight Lips started hard and fast but then chose to slow things down (with the walkers).
💦 Lying Sack of Shit, in an attempt to stay dry, skipped trail altogether and bailed to get to the bar! As a reward, Sticky Lips gifted him the Hash Shit.
💦 Hump The Shark let his boys out let his inner boy out and was caught jumping in puddles. He got so excited that there are distinct reports of a telltale wet spot in his crotch area.
💦 Stool Stuffer – wanting to stay dry – wore a raincoat that kept all external wetness out. This had the added benefit of sealing his own juices in. Yum.
💦 Daisy Duke anointed himself to drink from the new shoes that the Hash bought him, even though he did not wear said new shoes on trail.

ON ON !
PMS

(Input from Slippy Thong and King Shit. Photos by King Shit, Slippy Thong and Tight Lips. Running map by Snevil)

Hares: Va’JJ and Stool Stuffer
Where: 22 St Park SW, Calgary, AB
On-In: Marda Loop Brewing
RA: Never Been to a Virgin Trail before
Attendance: 27

Stool Stuffer, as his name suggests, likes to give. Give, give, give, give, give. And Va’JJ was there to take it.

Setting trail is a delicate balancing act of give and take. Making sure that every member comes out satisfied is hard indeed. It can’t be too long or too short. You have to keep in mind that not everyone likes it wet and it is best to make sure that there is the option to stay out of the bush.

For his initiation trail, Va’JJ did a fine job and didn’t blow it (under Stoolie’s strict supervision). Here’s what trail looked like:

Nothing wet, no bush, just straight up pounding… the pavement.

🏆 Milestones
Twisty and Hardly: 1400 (Faaaaack. Get a life!)

📁 Archives:
Ménage à trois
Menopause
Tight Lips
Sucks Everything

The following people got punished for their actions:

– Liquor Lots: RACIST! Her dog was being a front running bastard.
– Snow Blower was caught stretching after the running trail (although there’s a photo that indicates otherwise – see below)
– Karate Klit got lost on trail. Judging by her “100k Ultra” fanny pack, you’d think she would know where to go with all that running experience.
– Slippy thong attempted to murder Liquor Lots. She gave her a spin on the tire swing at the park and left her to die.
[🚨creeper alert🚨] While on the walking trail, King Shit reminisced about all the STD’s he caught during his slutty days.
– Snevil: the pack ran past her house and she did not offer anyone beer. Shame!

There was a naming tonight! Hasher #10 (Just Kirsten) was finally named and will henceforth be known as “Just10 Beaver“.

PSA: this is your face…

ON ON!
PMS