Hares: Ms Pussy & Ms Cheeks (and Ms Spanker in spirit)
Where: Pop Davies Athletic Part, Calgary AB
On-In: Ogden Whistle Pub, Calgary AB
RA: Head-Mistress Booty Camp
Attendance: 24

As most teachers are counting the minutes until the end of year bell (not to confuse with the year’s bell-end), our ed-dick-ators AP and Hot Cheeks were planning one last assessment of our stamina and ingenuity.

PMS – yours truly – who has been remote hashing for a year, is happy to review the work submitted by the class. Answers are eerily similar! Who copied off of whom??

AP and Hot Cheeks schooled us through and through. They truly are jack-off all trades.

Jack of all trades, master of none, the hares got called to the headmistress’s office for a spanking (or some other kinky punishment):

Speaking of kinky, some harrierettes decided to bust out their school girls outfits:

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Booty Camp and Snow Blower
Where: Spruce Cliff Pathway Access SW, Calgary, AB
On-In: JJ’s Neighbourhood Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: Cam Shaft
Attendance: 26

The longest day of the year should – in theory – bring us the longest run of the year, but the hares delivered a trail of very average length. Competing technologies clocked a different kilometrage but it hovered around 5k. It was established that Liquor Lots is definitely way more athletic than Skewbic Hair as she does more check backs than him.

What the trail didn’t bring in length, it compensated for in girth beauty. For these hares, giving us beautiful trails is innate (ha! get it? because trail looks like an 8??)

Here are the highlights of tonight’s trail:

🐰 the hares:

⭕ the circle (now that’s a fiiine circle):

🏃‍♀️the athletes:

🎱the playas and sexual offenders:

😀 Hashers having a good time:

😠 Hashers having a good time and others being weird about it

People pretending they have a life outside of the hash:

A trip down memory lane:

On on!
PMS

Hares: Stool Stuffer and Va’JJ (asking for seconds!)
Where: Paskapoo Slopes, Calgary, AB
On-In: Schooners Neighbourhood Pub SW, Calgary, AB
RA: Rashy Bush
Attendance: 16

We’ll preface these scribblings with the fact that despite having only lost his haring virginity to Stoolie a couple of weeks ago, Va’JJ was gagging for seconds!

Environment Canada warned that Southern Alberta was set to get a massive dump of rain over the course of a few days. As Calgary readied for this unrelenting rain, hares Stool Stuffer and Va’JJ psyched themselves up to set a truly shitty trail of epic proportions. It’s probably why they picked Paska-poo Slopes.

Because pavement would be too clean and not nearly slippery enough, they planned their “monstrous run” (Stoolie’s words) exclusively on dirt trails and marked 100% in flagging (chalk being a much more ephemeral medium).

We were told not once, but twice to bring our shiggy shoes and other mud friendly gear.

Environment Canada got it right, for once. And while the ghost of floods past still loom over us, the City of Calgary announced a state of local emergency in response to the heavy rainfall. Yikes!

Emergency-shmemergency: this has never gotten in the way of a good (or shitty) trail.

Karate Klit and Skewbic Hair both went down, but reportedly not on each other. For Scoob, it was just another Monday night but Karate Klit felt very dirty afterwards.

ON ON!
PMS

Photos by Skewb, MmmmhLadyfingers (with some tales) and Karate Klit
Run Map by Snevil.

Hares: Daisy Duke and Dastardly
Where: North Glenmore Park, Lot J, Calgary, AB
On-In: TBA
RA: King Shit
Attendance: 11 (wet blankets the rest of ’em)

When DD and D join forces to set trail, we are sure to get a trail that will deliver soggy shoes and mucky dips (that’s what they promised anyway). They like it wet and dirty.

And wet it was! Much of tonight’s “dirt” is related to how wet things got:

💦 Wearing rubber for protection (her wellies), Tight Lips started hard and fast but then chose to slow things down (with the walkers).
💦 Lying Sack of Shit, in an attempt to stay dry, skipped trail altogether and bailed to get to the bar! As a reward, Sticky Lips gifted him the Hash Shit.
💦 Hump The Shark let his boys out let his inner boy out and was caught jumping in puddles. He got so excited that there are distinct reports of a telltale wet spot in his crotch area.
💦 Stool Stuffer – wanting to stay dry – wore a raincoat that kept all external wetness out. This had the added benefit of sealing his own juices in. Yum.
💦 Daisy Duke anointed himself to drink from the new shoes that the Hash bought him, even though he did not wear said new shoes on trail.

ON ON !
PMS

(Input from Slippy Thong and King Shit. Photos by King Shit, Slippy Thong and Tight Lips. Running map by Snevil)

Hares: Va’JJ and Stool Stuffer
Where: 22 St Park SW, Calgary, AB
On-In: Marda Loop Brewing
RA: Never Been to a Virgin Trail before
Attendance: 27

Stool Stuffer, as his name suggests, likes to give. Give, give, give, give, give. And Va’JJ was there to take it.

Setting trail is a delicate balancing act of give and take. Making sure that every member comes out satisfied is hard indeed. It can’t be too long or too short. You have to keep in mind that not everyone likes it wet and it is best to make sure that there is the option to stay out of the bush.

For his initiation trail, Va’JJ did a fine job and didn’t blow it (under Stoolie’s strict supervision). Here’s what trail looked like:

Nothing wet, no bush, just straight up pounding… the pavement.

🏆 Milestones
Twisty and Hardly: 1400 (Faaaaack. Get a life!)

📁 Archives:
Ménage à trois
Menopause
Tight Lips
Sucks Everything

The following people got punished for their actions:

– Liquor Lots: RACIST! Her dog was being a front running bastard.
– Snow Blower was caught stretching after the running trail (although there’s a photo that indicates otherwise – see below)
– Karate Klit got lost on trail. Judging by her “100k Ultra” fanny pack, you’d think she would know where to go with all that running experience.
– Slippy thong attempted to murder Liquor Lots. She gave her a spin on the tire swing at the park and left her to die.
[🚨creeper alert🚨] While on the walking trail, King Shit reminisced about all the STD’s he caught during his slutty days.
– Snevil: the pack ran past her house and she did not offer anyone beer. Shame!

There was a naming tonight! Hasher #10 (Just Kirsten) was finally named and will henceforth be known as “Just10 Beaver“.

PSA: this is your face…

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Dastardly and Virgin Hare Kirsten
Where: Edworthy Park South Parking Lot
On-In: JJ’s Neighbourhood Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: Karate Klit
Attendance: 17

In an attempt to educate the next generation of hashers, Dastardly volunteered to pop Kirsten’s haring cherry. It’s a good thing because Dastardly is one of our very best hares. His trails are always full of surprises and delight. He likes to keep things fresh and interesting and take the pack where no hasher has gone before. Tonight’s trail was no exception.

He promised us a “longer than average” treat and delivered. My CI reports that there was a lot of going in and out of the bush, and getting wet in the process. Hot Cheeks begs that everyone check for parasites that people may have caught from this bush action.

Skewbic Hare and King Shit are now too old to do a trail without stopping, so they veered off true trail and did a pit stop at Angel’s Café for hydration (and probably a wee pee break; who are they kidding?).

It is said that Skewb tried to pay Hash Cash with fake cash?? (please note that your scribe is a banker these days, and we don’t joke about counterfeit currency, money laundering and possible financing of terrorism! ) In my eyes, this very serious offense is definitely hash shittable.

The hares provided the pack with a Turkey/Eagle split (or – in the words of the hares – an “Exploratory/Tourist” split. There were only three Turkish “tourists” (ha!) but they claim that the trail wasn’t shorter, it was just dryer. We’ll take it.

The trail did take hashers over train tracks, about which Mucky Dip has mild PTSD. Not because of an irrational fear of getting hit by a train, but because of a very rational fear (and recollection) of getting caught by the Canadian Pacific Police Service and handed a $600 fine (effin fascists!!).

No-name Kirsten may have cum 9 times and even hared once but she is still nameless. Geee, we’ve been waiting so long for this, it’d better be a dooooozy. It’s time for Frogodile Hunter – name finder and Bapstizer© extraordinaire – to make an appearance. In the meantime, Kirsten will introduce herself as her number of runs. Next time, she’ll be “TEN”.

Karate Klit RA’d and proved that she is still unable to control her inner Jim Carrey (see photo above). The struggle is real. One day at time, KK. Hang in there.

On On!
PMS (with tales from Hot Cheeks and photos by the Skewb)

Hares: CamShaft & Mmmmm Lady Fingers
Where: Mmmm Ladyfingers’s house
On-In: Jamieson’s in Brentwood
RA: Hump the Shark
Attendance: 29

Originally, Mmmmh Ladyfingers was going to get it on with Hot Cheeks but she chickened out at the last minute and decided not to stray from her husband. Therefore, instead of its original “Do my fingers make you hot?” title, I’ve renamed it the lovers’ trail.

There also happened to be lots of couples present tonight. As we know: couples who hash together, stay together!! (except when they don’t and then we sadly lose one of them.)

I am happy to say that my regular CI reported for duty and spilled all the tea!

Tales from the trail:

👣 Rare sight: The elusive Blue Balls stayed for down downs! He got one for showing up once every Blue Balls (and coincidentally also a lunar eclipse).
👣 Just Kirstin got down downed for being a racist (i.e. wearing a race shirt). You’re telling me there wasn’t a name in this?? This girl needs a name!!
👣 Hardly and Twisty saw John Cleese a few nights prior and did a silly walk on trail. 🤷‍♀️
👣 Stool Stuffer brought frozen beer on the warmest night yet. (IMO, the man needs a medal! Who doesn’t like Rocky Mountain cold beer on a warm night??)
👣 Auntie Frank and Hash Test Dummy need to go out more. Apparently they don’t have much to talk about as Hot Cheeks heard the same damn story separately from Auntie Frank and Hash Test Dummy while on the walking trail.
👣 Liquor Lots and Slippy Thong got a little aggressive during their hash cash duties: “Pay up or else!” There may or may not have been threats of kneecaps being broken.
👣 Hare CamShaft reneged on his hare duties of sweeping the trail and ensuring the pack’s welfare. He shortcutted his way back to the regroup. He even led some hashers astray, as he told Snevil and Christa to go one way and then went another! Shame!
👣 Insane Bolt ended up bi-shing (bike-hashing due to an “injury”). This landed him the Hash Cape, which – I take it – is a new Hash Shit??
👣 We beat our old record singing the El Camino Song whenTwisty and Hardly added a second verse. WOoohoOOo, two-verse streak!
👣 Balls Out came all the way from NY to buy new shoes because they are cheaper in Alberta! We all toasted his saving$ by making him drink out them.

📁 Archives:
– Balls Out and
– Christa (2nd run)

ON ON!
PMS (with input from Hot Cheeks, Mmmmhlady Fingers, Skewbic and Liquor Lots)

Hares: Slippy Thong and Lying Sack Of Shit
Where: Kilt & Caber Ale House, Calgary, AB
On-In: Kilt & Caber Ale House, Calgary, AB
RA: Strap-On Crampon
Attendance: 13

This couple of jet-setters has decided to touch down in Calgary long enough to grace us low-lives with their presence and give us the gift of trail. The hares will travel half way around the world for a Red Dress Run but when it comes to setting trail at home, they won’t venture outside the boundaries of their community… McKenzie Towne it is!

This trail has been dubbed the “Beastiality Trail” (or “animal lovers’ trail” if you prefer, but – as all hashers know – beastiality’s best):

• Some hashers are akin to animals. One was said to have the eyes of a hawk for being able to see marks that no human eye should have been able to detect.

• Some hashers just elicit the most visceral gut reaction from animals who feel their alpha status questioned… Can you blame the dog for wanting to assert his dominance over the ever-so-intimidating Hardly? Although it is said that Hardly was bit 😱. Let’s hope he’s ok.
• Some love animals so much that they fall head over heels for them: Twisted Sister twisted her ankle whilst staring at ducks and almost fell off the sidewalk. (With a name like hers, she’s basically asking for it).

Speaking of “asking for it”: King Shit – that idjit – was played by Strap-On, who handed him the Hat Shit to hold, and he took it! Suits him right (oooh… that double entendre…)

Here are some more stunning photos:

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Abandoned Pussy (with co-hare Tighty Whitey?)
Where: Hull’s Wood, Fish Creek Park, Calgary, AB
On-In: Lighthouse Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: Daisy Duke
Attendance: 29

It’s unclear from this side of the pond whether Tighty Whitey was actually co-hare. He wasn’t listed as such on the website, but he clearly was present during the setting of the trail.

Relationship Status: It’s complicated.

Because my regular CI* missed the run and didn’t provide her usual tales from the trail, it’s up to me to make sh!t up based on the photos snapped by Skewbic Hair. Here we go:

ON ON!!
PMS

*CI=Cumfidential Informant

Hares: Booty Camp and Snow Blower
Where: Ukrainian Church Renfrew, Calgary, AB
On-In: Fiddler’s Courtyard, Calgary, AB
RA: King Shit
Attendance: 23

Here are the things that went down on this trail: all the suckers that went down the stairs at the start of trail just to find out that it was – of course (like, come on!!) – a ❌checkback❌!!

Visitors/Archives:
– Master Rooter and Knight Stalker blessed us with their presence, after many many weeks of absence;
– Worm and Not the Shilling came all the way from Thailand to run this CH3 trail.

Other things that happened include:
– Hashers wore blue and yellow to show support to the Ukrainian cause;
– RRRA is said to have had vorrrst Ukrrrainian accint
– Dastardly kindly offered to guide the visitors and promptly proceeded to lose them on trail;
– Can You Hear Me Know (what a Mensch) chose to escort Mucky Dip on trail, but then got bored and ditched her;
– Liquor Lots, the hooker that she is, was called out by a gentleman for streetwalking. Oh no wait… Liquor Lots was called a “dirty whore” by a pig with a big truck and small wiener, for merely asking not to be run over by said truck. Stay classy, Alberta!
– OPP did shady deals from the back of her truck. King Shit got his merch’ so he’s happy;
– Va-JJ likes to switch it up between the front and the back;
– Hardly and Twisty – the hash’s closest thing to a royal couple – celebrated their 40 year jubilee.

Other momentous milestones were:
– Camshaft ran his 250th trail
– Mucky celebrated her 600th (how does she remain so young-looking??)

Because the Calgary Hash House Harriers is an equal opportunities group, Hot Cheeks decided to start shooting photos for her “Girls of Hashing” calendar. See those babes for yourself:

And here are other photos taken:

ON ON!!
PMS (with input from Hot Cheeks and King Shit)