Hares: Dastardly and Virgin Hare Kirsten
Where: Edworthy Park South Parking Lot
On-In: JJ’s Neighbourhood Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: Karate Klit
Attendance: 17

In an attempt to educate the next generation of hashers, Dastardly volunteered to pop Kirsten’s haring cherry. It’s a good thing because Dastardly is one of our very best hares. His trails are always full of surprises and delight. He likes to keep things fresh and interesting and take the pack where no hasher has gone before. Tonight’s trail was no exception.

He promised us a “longer than average” treat and delivered. My CI reports that there was a lot of going in and out of the bush, and getting wet in the process. Hot Cheeks begs that everyone check for parasites that people may have caught from this bush action.

Skewbic Hare and King Shit are now too old to do a trail without stopping, so they veered off true trail and did a pit stop at Angel’s Café for hydration (and probably a wee pee break; who are they kidding?).

It is said that Skewb tried to pay Hash Cash with fake cash?? (please note that your scribe is a banker these days, and we don’t joke about counterfeit currency, money laundering and possible financing of terrorism! ) In my eyes, this very serious offense is definitely hash shittable.

The hares provided the pack with a Turkey/Eagle split (or – in the words of the hares – an “Exploratory/Tourist” split. There were only three Turkish “tourists” (ha!) but they claim that the trail wasn’t shorter, it was just dryer. We’ll take it.

The trail did take hashers over train tracks, about which Mucky Dip has mild PTSD. Not because of an irrational fear of getting hit by a train, but because of a very rational fear (and recollection) of getting caught by the Canadian Pacific Police Service and handed a $600 fine (effin fascists!!).

No-name Kirsten may have cum 9 times and even hared once but she is still nameless. Geee, we’ve been waiting so long for this, it’d better be a dooooozy. It’s time for Frogodile Hunter – name finder and Bapstizer© extraordinaire – to make an appearance. In the meantime, Kirsten will introduce herself as her number of runs. Next time, she’ll be “TEN”.

Karate Klit RA’d and proved that she is still unable to control her inner Jim Carrey (see photo above). The struggle is real. One day at time, KK. Hang in there.

On On!
PMS (with tales from Hot Cheeks and photos by the Skewb)

Hares: CamShaft & Mmmmm Lady Fingers
Where: Mmmm Ladyfingers’s house
On-In: Jamieson’s in Brentwood
RA: Hump the Shark
Attendance: 29

Originally, Mmmmh Ladyfingers was going to get it on with Hot Cheeks but she chickened out at the last minute and decided not to stray from her husband. Therefore, instead of its original “Do my fingers make you hot?” title, I’ve renamed it the lovers’ trail.

There also happened to be lots of couples present tonight. As we know: couples who hash together, stay together!! (except when they don’t and then we sadly lose one of them.)

I am happy to say that my regular CI reported for duty and spilled all the tea!

Tales from the trail:

👣 Rare sight: The elusive Blue Balls stayed for down downs! He got one for showing up once every Blue Balls (and coincidentally also a lunar eclipse).
👣 Just Kirstin got down downed for being a racist (i.e. wearing a race shirt). You’re telling me there wasn’t a name in this?? This girl needs a name!!
👣 Hardly and Twisty saw John Cleese a few nights prior and did a silly walk on trail. 🤷‍♀️
👣 Stool Stuffer brought frozen beer on the warmest night yet. (IMO, the man needs a medal! Who doesn’t like Rocky Mountain cold beer on a warm night??)
👣 Auntie Frank and Hash Test Dummy need to go out more. Apparently they don’t have much to talk about as Hot Cheeks heard the same damn story separately from Auntie Frank and Hash Test Dummy while on the walking trail.
👣 Liquor Lots and Slippy Thong got a little aggressive during their hash cash duties: “Pay up or else!” There may or may not have been threats of kneecaps being broken.
👣 Hare CamShaft reneged on his hare duties of sweeping the trail and ensuring the pack’s welfare. He shortcutted his way back to the regroup. He even led some hashers astray, as he told Snevil and Christa to go one way and then went another! Shame!
👣 Insane Bolt ended up bi-shing (bike-hashing due to an “injury”). This landed him the Hash Cape, which – I take it – is a new Hash Shit??
👣 We beat our old record singing the El Camino Song whenTwisty and Hardly added a second verse. WOoohoOOo, two-verse streak!
👣 Balls Out came all the way from NY to buy new shoes because they are cheaper in Alberta! We all toasted his saving$ by making him drink out them.

📁 Archives:
– Balls Out and
– Christa (2nd run)

ON ON!
PMS (with input from Hot Cheeks, Mmmmhlady Fingers, Skewbic and Liquor Lots)

Hares: Slippy Thong and Lying Sack Of Shit
Where: Kilt & Caber Ale House, Calgary, AB
On-In: Kilt & Caber Ale House, Calgary, AB
RA: Strap-On Crampon
Attendance: 13

This couple of jet-setters has decided to touch down in Calgary long enough to grace us low-lives with their presence and give us the gift of trail. The hares will travel half way around the world for a Red Dress Run but when it comes to setting trail at home, they won’t venture outside the boundaries of their community… McKenzie Towne it is!

This trail has been dubbed the “Beastiality Trail” (or “animal lovers’ trail” if you prefer, but – as all hashers know – beastiality’s best):

• Some hashers are akin to animals. One was said to have the eyes of a hawk for being able to see marks that no human eye should have been able to detect.

• Some hashers just elicit the most visceral gut reaction from animals who feel their alpha status questioned… Can you blame the dog for wanting to assert his dominance over the ever-so-intimidating Hardly? Although it is said that Hardly was bit 😱. Let’s hope he’s ok.
• Some love animals so much that they fall head over heels for them: Twisted Sister twisted her ankle whilst staring at ducks and almost fell off the sidewalk. (With a name like hers, she’s basically asking for it).

Speaking of “asking for it”: King Shit – that idjit – was played by Strap-On, who handed him the Hat Shit to hold, and he took it! Suits him right (oooh… that double entendre…)

Here are some more stunning photos:

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Abandoned Pussy (with co-hare Tighty Whitey?)
Where: Hull’s Wood, Fish Creek Park, Calgary, AB
On-In: Lighthouse Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: Daisy Duke
Attendance: 29

It’s unclear from this side of the pond whether Tighty Whitey was actually co-hare. He wasn’t listed as such on the website, but he clearly was present during the setting of the trail.

Relationship Status: It’s complicated.

Because my regular CI* missed the run and didn’t provide her usual tales from the trail, it’s up to me to make sh!t up based on the photos snapped by Skewbic Hair. Here we go:

ON ON!!
PMS

*CI=Cumfidential Informant

Hares: Booty Camp and Snow Blower
Where: Ukrainian Church Renfrew, Calgary, AB
On-In: Fiddler’s Courtyard, Calgary, AB
RA: King Shit
Attendance: 23

Here are the things that went down on this trail: all the suckers that went down the stairs at the start of trail just to find out that it was – of course (like, come on!!) – a ❌checkback❌!!

Visitors/Archives:
– Master Rooter and Knight Stalker blessed us with their presence, after many many weeks of absence;
– Worm and Not the Shilling came all the way from Thailand to run this CH3 trail.

Other things that happened include:
– Hashers wore blue and yellow to show support to the Ukrainian cause;
– RRRA is said to have had vorrrst Ukrrrainian accint
– Dastardly kindly offered to guide the visitors and promptly proceeded to lose them on trail;
– Can You Hear Me Know (what a Mensch) chose to escort Mucky Dip on trail, but then got bored and ditched her;
– Liquor Lots, the hooker that she is, was called out by a gentleman for streetwalking. Oh no wait… Liquor Lots was called a “dirty whore” by a pig with a big truck and small wiener, for merely asking not to be run over by said truck. Stay classy, Alberta!
– OPP did shady deals from the back of her truck. King Shit got his merch’ so he’s happy;
– Va-JJ likes to switch it up between the front and the back;
– Hardly and Twisty – the hash’s closest thing to a royal couple – celebrated their 40 year jubilee.

Other momentous milestones were:
– Camshaft ran his 250th trail
– Mucky celebrated her 600th (how does she remain so young-looking??)

Because the Calgary Hash House Harriers is an equal opportunities group, Hot Cheeks decided to start shooting photos for her “Girls of Hashing” calendar. See those babes for yourself:

And here are other photos taken:

ON ON!!
PMS (with input from Hot Cheeks and King Shit)

Hares: Twisty and Hardly
Where: Citizen Brewing Company, Calgary, AB
RA: Rashy Bush
Attendance: 17

When hashers say: “Hoppy Easter!”, it’s not some lame bunny joke. It just means they’re headed to one of many Calgary Breweries that serve obnoxiously hoppy IPA’s. This time, the gang met up at Citizen Brewing to enjoy a few cold ones.

But let’s backtrack. Before the rejoicing, some mild-to-moderate exercise happened. Hares Twisty and Hardly gave us a lovely trail with 367 369 checks, and it is said that Hump the Shark did all of them.

Because the hares are all about recycling and preserving resources, they reused the marks of the Full Moon run that Hardly (Full Moon name: Hard-On) set a few days earlier.

This trail was the trail of many momentous milestones:
👣 Hump the Shark celebrated 200 runs;
👣 King Shit seriously needs to find a new hobby, as he did his 1550th trail with the Calgary Hash House Harriers;
👣 Skewbic Hair ran his 1000th trail with us. He too needs to get a life.

Skewb is a proud man and – for his 1000th – did not want to display the same impotence we had witnessed last week. This week, he managed to get ⁽ᶦᵗ⁾ up and get into the action, albeit in the back.

Just Kristen still hasn’t been named. She’s very careful with what she says to avoid slip-ups that could be used against her.

In a follow up to Hot Cheeks’ photo shoot for her “Hashing Men Calendar”, here is the second semester:

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Hardly and (who else?) Dastardly, the perpetual co-hare
Where: Big Al’s Bar & Grill, Calgary, AB
RA: Hardly (wait, what? Hare AND RA?)
Attendance: 24

Just in time for Easter, today marked the first cumming of Hardly (as he is set to cum a second time next week – as hare again -, but this time with his wife).

Since hashers couldn’t complain about trail being too long, they found something else to bitch about: the weather. It’s toooo cold, it’s toooo windy, waaah 😭.

Silver lining: it was decided that the weather was sooo inclement that down-downs just had to be held indoors (after more than 2 years!).

Here are some of the things that happened today and that hashers got “punished” for:

• Hashers from BC graced us with their presence and held choir;
• Skewb had a limp ⁽ᵒⁿᵉ⁾ and couldn’t keep ⁽ᶦᵗ⁾ up;
• Insane Bolt was propositioned on trail by a rando – that’s Forest Lawn for ya.
• Lay’em’s dog took a shit during circle. That’s what he thinks of our nonsense.
• Snevil did all the checkbacks (while Hot Cheeks did none of them).
• Hardly, the one-man-hash, did everything today: set trail, pour the down down beer, RA. Like, come on people, get your shit together and help out a little!
• Camshaft celebrated 250 runs
• Pyro-the-Legend ran his 1300th trail today. As is tradition, he was given a half yard of warm swill to celebrate.

Based on the photos she took, it is clear that Hot Cheeks decided to start a Hashing Men Calendar. Here are the first 6 months:

ON ON!
👸🐒👋 (Princess Monkey Spanker)

Hare: Insane Bolt (with some scouting from Pyro)
Where: Pazzer’s Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: The Monarch of Feces
Attendance: 24

Insane Bolt, with the help from his daddy-in-law, set an epic trail today. The hare, as his name suggests, doesn’t like to stick to pavement and favours shiggy and unreasonably long trails. His 🎶papa🎶 (Downton Abbey accent) is also a ballbuster of sorts.

This trail was in fact sooooo long and hard (a bit of an exaggeration), that only three hardcore hashers managed to run the whole thing. So here are the names of the three valiant True Trailers who – apparently – deserve a f*ckin medal:
👏 Snevil 👏
👏 Cums and Goes 👏 (and he hadn’t cum in so long!)
👏 Rashy Bush 👏

Some hashers opted to shortcut their way to the regroup. That’s the smarter way to hash, if you ask me…. Slippy Thong is one the geniuses who’s figured it out.

The hare being such a ✨class act✨provided a drink stop (take note, future hares! That’s how we like it – although preferably not with Fireball, ewww!)

It is said that Snevil may have overindulged, and despite running true trail, ended up being both an FRB¹ and DFL² after losing her momentum on the way to the regroup.

We had a new cummer: Jim. Let’s see if we can make him cum again!

Walkers had a bit of a moment and paid their respects to fellow hasher Kawky Whorer. They did so by basically sitting on him. I’m sure he appreciated it.

Skewbic Hair took lovely pictures of the vistas and the many non-true trailers:

King Shit RA’d and rightfully shamed relative noobie Va-JJ for wearing new shoes hashing. Once again, for the people in the back: you do not wear brand new runners hashing, or they will be anointed with swill.

ON ON!
👸🐒👋 (Princess Monkey Spanker)

¹ FRB = Front Running Bastard
² DFL = Dead Fucking Last

Hares: Tighty Whitey
Where: Gators Sports Pub SW, Calgary, AB
RA: Skewbic Hair
Attendance: 18

The run title says it all. Also, the meeting point was located near Fish Creek, so there was no way we were not getting shiggy. Hopefully, this did not put off our virgin hasher Matt (whom Insane Bolt made cum).

Hare Tighty Whitey likes to lurk around and take pictures of wet and dirty hashers:

Here are some of the tales that were reported:

• Insane Bolt saw his first beaver today. Snevil gave him the ins and outs of how to catch one.
• Noobie “Just Josh” (who took the liberty of calling himself ‘JJ’ (rookie mistake)) will henceforth be known as “Va-JJ”. A brilliant name, whoever came up with that.
• There were Moose Track sightings on trail (see below).
• Stool Stuffer came 169 times. This time, he came alone. Weird for a 169.
• Strap-On Crampon and Hot Cheeks shared their strap-ons.

In other news, a few hashers celebrated/will celebrate their birthdays :
🎂Brokeback Mount Me’s was TODAY Mar 28
🎂Booty Camp’s was March23^rd
🎂 Lying Sack Of Shit’s is Apr 2^nd.

ON ON !
PMS

Hares: Abandoned Pussy
Where: Transit Parking Lot SE, Calgary, AB
On-In: Penny Black Bar & Kitchen SE, Calgary, AB
RA: Skewbic Hair
Attendance: 18

AP likes it hard and long – that’s what she said! No, like, literally… That’s what she said when talking about this trail that she set for us. At first, she looked fairly apologetic that her trail was on the longer side… But then she just let her mean side show, unapologetically, like the asshole she is.

And when the scribe posted her weekly plea for “Scribbling fodder”, AP further proved my point:

Turns out, at least one harrierette survived the ordeal to tell the tale. Thank you Strap On Crampon for your in real time reports.

ON ON!
With my cumpliments,
PMS