Hares: Scoobie and the Return of the Dastardly
Where: Southland Leisure Centre, Calgary, AB
On-In: Swigs Pub & Grill, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 10?? That’s it?!
RA: Tighty Whitey

Well, well, well. Look what the hare dragged in. If it isn’t Dastardly.

It is fitting that these two BFF’s would get bromantic on V-Day and set trail together, with marks as “special” as their special relationship.

Scoob promised a trail “easy to find, hard to follow”, whatever that means. Although Snevil was heard saying: “There were 4 true trail runners, and [the hares] lost us….”.

Attendance was quite low this week, maybe on account of it being Valentine’s Day?? King Shit posited that attendees included a handful of singletons, two hash couples (the Har-ty and the Skew-ky) and people who have been hashing for sooo long that their partners probably kicked them out of the house (King Shit, Snevil and Tighty Whitey).

In honour of Valentine’s Day, Hardly and Twisty both went down on trail, but not on each other. It is said that everyone went down on this trail… Lucky trail! It was so slippery that it gave some hashers ideas for a new Olympic event.

Tighty Whitey was RA. He says he was “awesome” (his own words). Yet others said that he handled things hard and fast. It’s all a matter of perspective.

On On!
PMS

Hares: Booty Camp and Snow Blower
Where: Rotary Park NE, Calgary, AB
On In: Fiddler’s Courtyard, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 18

While some f&^%ers were sucking on piña coladas somewhere hot (and rubbing our faces in it), the rest of us were slumming it, not able to travel anywhere – or worse: self isolating on account of the ‘Vid!

But luckily for us, we have the BootyBlower, the hashing Power couple whose trails always offer us a dream and escape from dreary daily drudgery.

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Stool Stuffer (and Rashy Bush)
Where: Bumblebee Park, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 13

Here’s another hare who is really pulling his weight during this pandemic; he sets more than his fair share of trails. The name of the run is a little dramatic. No, no one is leaving for good. Stoolie (and Rashy) just set the final run in January before fucking off to to Mexico to drink the Corona for a few weeks. Let’s hope they don’t rub it in our face with unending Facebook posts of sunshine, sea and margaritas.

Hashers present:
Oozle Pizzle Panties
Lying Sack Of Shit
King Shit
Liquor Lots
Hump the Shark
Slippy Thong
Skewbic Hair
Mucky Dip
Lay ‘em In Snow
Hardly
Twisted Sister
Stool Stuffer
Dastardly

The hare said only a small portion of the trail was icy and that runners probably wouldn’t need spikes.

TURNS OUT, the trail was 80% pure ice, and spikes were definitely needed . Liquor Lots and Hardly both went down (not on each other) in different parts of the trail. LL even has the war wounds to show for it.

OPP forgot how to use her headlamp so was made fun of for that. Yet somehow, she managed to offload the hash shit that she had since October!

Scooby’s hash shit went to his beautiful wife. She was punished for excessive fraternization with the walkers (pick a side, Mucky!!).

Scooby was only hash shit-less for 2 minutes as he inherited OPP’s, for reasons unclear, other than the fact that we like to punish Scooby.

The hares not only set trail, but also brought the beer for regroup, which they chilled. A real classy move on their part. They also arranged for an On In at 722 World Bier Haus.

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Hardly and Twisted Sister (and probably Dastardly)
Where: Confederation Park (again), Calgary, AB
Attendance: 15
RA: Rashy Bush

Even though Dastardly wasn’t officially on the hares list, we all know he must have been involved somehow, since he can’t keep his dirty paws off of other people’s trails these days.

Hardly and Twisty (and Dastardly) are always very prepared and plan their trail weeks in advance. Yet, last week’s hares changed their start of trail to this exact same location at the last minute. This must have thrown Hardly and Twisty (and Dastardly) for a loop and made marking their trail that much harder.

Hares set trail on Sunday and warned everyone to bring their strap-ons and that there was a very high possibility of people going down on trail.

Hares also suggested that hashers be ready to whip out their wood after trail.

No Milestones tonight but there was one New Boot. Her name is Christa. Let’s see if we scared her off or if we’re lucky enough to see her face back next week.

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On On!
PMS

Hares: Daisy Duke and – who else – Dastardly!
Where: Confederation Park, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 20
RA: Rashy Bush

This week, shockingly, Dastardly (always the bridesmaid, never the bride) was co-hare, *yet again*. It sure looks like he has nothing better to do with himself. What is it, three in a row now? Four? More?

The weather forecast called for a steep drop in temperature right after the 7 o’clock circle up time. And then snow squalls happened, and wind gusts.

Apparently it was too windy for pictures, save for this gem:

Regardless of weather, Daisy’s trails are always a surprise: some are short (but hard), while others are long (and hard). Some are growers, not showers*.

*throwback to 2012. Picture this: Daisy sets trail. After 5K of running, the pack comes back within spitting distance of the On In (bar). We all think it’s over. Yaaay, beer! But nah. He has us veer left and running for another 6K! Lemme tell ya: it’s been 10 years and I still haven’t forgiven him.

Maybe he’s learned from his sins because this time, he provided the group with a Turkey/Eagle split. Turkey/Eagle splits allow wannabe athletes to go for longer distances while the lazy asses take the shorter route. In this case Daisy Duke basically tour-guided the Turkeys along the Turkey trail, while Dastardly probably FRB’ed the Eagle trail, despite being hare.

Speaking of athletes: Slippy Thong and Lying Sack of Shit came back from their trip to Tanzania, hiking up Mt Kilimanjaro. Poor them. Sounds awful. Lying Sack mentioned how sorry he was to have missed the -38°C run from a few weeks back. Should we believe him? He is – after all – a Lying Sack of Shit.

This week again, walkers and Turkeys huddled up in their cars whilst awaiting the return of the prodigal Eagles.

Milestones:
Bootie Camp celebrated her 269th (where was Snow Blower for this 69 action??)

Archives:
Business in the Back is BACK. He finally deigned show his face (and his back) after weeeeeeks of absence.

On On!
PMS

Hares: Lay’em and Lay’em’s little helper (Dastardly)
Where: Riley Park NW Fire pit, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 17
RA: Hump The Shark

Because Lay’em’s trails always take our breath away (literally and figuratively), we knew to expect views, vistas and vigorous exercise. He even delivered balmy weather (some might even say downright sweltering). This was setting very high expectations for our new boot André. We’d better lower the bar next week or else he’ll think that’s the norm!

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Archive OPP, that fair weather hasher, missed the whole cold spell of the past ten weeks. She must have been abducted by aliens because her long absence made her forget all hash rules and protocol* (namely how to circle up, how down downs work and how not to touch someone else’s hash shit). Speaking of, this week’s hash shit exchange was a clusterf*&k of epic proportions. Hot Cheeks – who knows how to work the system – managed to offload hers while still getting free beer. In the end:

• Daisy Duke inherited the hat shit
• Skewbic Hair and OPP landed a plunger each.

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Skewbic Hair and Daisy Duke both proved inept at handling their wood. Scoob’s wood turned out to be wet and sloppy while Daisy needed a flame thrower and gasoline to get his fired up. Ultimately, Daisy was more successful at getting people’s loins hot.

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We had two milestones (a.k.a Get-a-Life Awards) this week:

• Daisy Duke has made himself cum 250 times.
• Lay’em had his 750th runs (and apparently went down on trail to celebrate)

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On on!
PMS

*this had happened on run 2179 too.

Hares: Scoobie and Dastardly
Where: Heritage Park – Big H, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 10

Because of the inclement weather, down down were kept to a minimum:

• The hares were sung the F-R-E-E-Z-Y T-R-A-I-L song (a surprising twist on the ol’ S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L)
• Snevil offloaded the hat shit back to Hot Cheeks, who showed no gratitude whatsoever for the extra warmth. (The offence? Excessive F-bombing… Who knew that was offensive?? 🤷)
• Daisy Duke was called out for trying to impersonate Nanook of the North (I’m assuming he was wearing his thrift store bearskin coat).
• King Shit had a senior moment and confused Hardly with Dreary.
• Lay ’em In Snow was called out for… walking ?

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OnOn!
PMS

Hare: Stool Stuffer
Where: Lynwood Park SE, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 13

Hashers in attendance today:
✔ Booty Camp
✔ Daisy Duke
✔ Dastardly
✔ Hardly
✔ King Shit
✔ Lay’em in Snow
✔ Liquor Lots
✔ Rashy Bush
✔ Skewbic hair
✔ Snow Blower
✔ Stool Stuffer 🐰
✔ Tighty Whitey
✔ Twisted Sister

Tacky formals are always a fun way to see how people manage to get decked out in ridiculous outfits that they are still able to run in. (Pro-tip: 80’s cocktail attire and athletic wear are both a lurex/poly-blend. Coincidence?? I think not!). This year however, disappointingly, few people ventured out of their regular hash comfort zone. A few hashers did make an effort: we saw a couple of tuxedo t-shirts (the Twisdlies), one actually tuxedo jacket & bow tie (King Shit) and a mystifying nubuck chaps and corduroy jacket combo (Daisy Duke. Who else?). An honorable mention goes to Rashy Bush with her glittery cum-merbund (!).

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Stoolie brought us the longest run of 2022. Seriously now, he had notified – nay, warned – that his trail would be “of average length or longer” 😱. His reasoning was that since temps were “tropical” (i.e. nearing 0°C), it was the perfect opportunity to take ourselves out of hibernation and do an actual regular length trail. None of this carshing or 600 m trail nonsense.

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On On and Hashy New Year!
PMS

Hares : Abandoned Pussy
Where: Blackbird Public Urban Bar, High River Calgary, AB
Attendance : 10

True trail was a reasonable 2¼ km. She called true trail the “Eagle” Trail. Now, for the people in the back, let’s review Hash Basics: hares sometimes set 2 trails, one called “Eagle” (longer and harder), the other one called “Turkey” (shorter and flacid). Because it was soooooo cold, AP specified that her Eagle had Covid and broken wings while the Turkey was the leftover carcass from Christmas dinner.

3 hashers (Rashy Bush, Stool Stuffer and Hump the Shark) opted to take the “Eagle” trail and 2 took the Turkey trail. Because Skewbic Hair arrived late (as the runners were making it back), Heroic Hump redid trail with him. What a Mensch!

Down downs were short and sweet to allow for more time at the pub.

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On on!
PMS

Hares : Twisted Sister, Hardly, Mmmmlady Fingers & Cam Shaft
Where: Prairie Dog Brewing, Calgary, AB
Attendance : 14

Today, the weather was so legitimately cold that a few no-shame hashers opted to “car-hash” (see proof above). The “real” hashers (through and through) bit the bullet and ran trail.

Marks were a bewildering set of addresses, which I can only assume led to the next mark, until the On-In?

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Aptly, the On-In today was ❄️ Cold Garden ❄️

And King Shit came late. Shocking!

On on!
PMS