1806 – Your Balls are Turning Colour

Hare : Blue Balls
WhereStix Sports Bar, #420 5255 Richmond Road SW
Big Rock: by the Schooner
Religious Advisor: Dementia
Attendance: 40

Pink Meat, Twisted Sister enjoy mangos

See photos from the Run!

Blue Balls was fidgeting before the run.  “Have you seen Dastardly?”  No, no one had seen him yet, and Mr. Balls had a legitimate reason to worry – Dastardly and Thunder Tits had the regroup beer.  Perfectly ok not to have a re-group on a run – perfectly BAD to mark the trail BN, BVN, BVVN, and then NOT have beer!

In the end, Blue Balls could air them out some, because the beermeister showed and the regroup would now be, well… a regroup!

Maple slinked up to the circle for the start, and tried to convince the Hash he’s been here all along.  Even going as far as declaring he couldn’t be archived!

It was a record temp for Calgary for this day of the month, a fast and flying trail, and a whole big pack of very thirsty Hash House Harriers hit the regroup, including RIP from Lagos, Nigeria and Hello Titty from Montreal kennels.  Beer was there to slake the thirst of the harriers, and we could continue on to Styx pub for the On-In.  Poor RIP was used to regroups being every block a half he informed us.  Then we realized when its 1000 degrees C, that’s just survival!

Tracey/Shirley/Sheila was named Slow Clap.  And (Jerry?) – aw well it doesn’t friggin matter whatever his street name was, for he is now Manscaper as far as any of us are concerned.

Even with a nice straight forward trail, Skewbic Hare, Shack Shock, and Can you Hear Me Now STILL had to run a lateral trail INSIDE the set trail

King Shit apparently is looking for friends in all the wrong places, as its rumoured that without trusty Silver on trail due to the heat, King bought RIP a big honkin Schooner to buy a friend!  KS was so out of place without his sidekick, he forgot the Hash Shit… AGAIN!

Religious Adviser Dementia generously kicked in down downs to Pink Meat and Master Beater so a vehicle could better be afforded rather than having to cover the long distances they have been doing on weekends

Rubbermade has a new dating technique… she is contacting handymen in the town of Calgary and informing them she has a job for them.  First however, she needs a picture of their hammer.  Unfortunately, I think that line mostly only works in porno movies, and she’s going to have to put in at least half an effort.

The choral ensemble of Roaring Nancy, King Shit, and Lost in Space rarely lost a beat (as long as you consider Lost in Space always has his own beat!)

Dementia declared everyone “on the piss”.  With huge Schooners in our hands, who were we to argue?


Master Beater


1805 – We Shall Not Gather at the River

Hare : Dementia
Where: The Blind Beggar
Big Rock: Taste that you can see
Religious Advisor: Masterbeater
Attendance: 35

Snevil saddles up for the hash

See photos from the Run!


From a trail no one can seem to find, to a trail no one could miss!  Dementia was battling the demons every hare faces sooner or later, townies who rub out your marks.  In response, she made LOTS of marks!  The bar was one of my favourites, the weather ideal, the hash was charged up, and Auntie Frank got to run a trail he said reminded him of Cocky Whore – it was all good!

Out on trail, we learned how Chilliwacker keeps a man… sort of…or in spite of…  apparently the way the Religious Advisor heard it, she told Brian “If you buy me a dog, I can forget you”.  Or something roughly to that effect.  Chilliwacker was also recognized for being such a buzzzzz kill on trail, with her talk of bees and…bees (no birds).

Red, Wiley, and Zoom – apparently to be an FRB on this night you had to wear red as Camshaft, Lyin Sack, and Auntie Frank did.

Mr “I run true trail, totally”, Hardley, was caught out skipping the hops on the hopscotch board that was on trail.

Men O Pause complained about how busy he was.  “Busy, busy, busy…”  With what?  Well, “nothing” according to the Pause.

Dirty Girl ran her poor blind dog into a pole… sigh!  Meanwhile, Tight Lips was guide dog for Mucky Dip much to the over-wrought with concern Skewbic Hare’s relief

No shit King Shit?!  Really…  Water instead of beer – King Shit will never make that mistake again.  AND on a night he would have easily been relieved of said shit.

At the bar – Whale Wanker was recognized in absentia for the HHH “jersey” he made for the RA now a few years past.  The Jersey still functions, and has gained character since then.  A quick social, and then recognitions to Shakesbeer, Dastardly, and Thunder Tits for the beers they ensure are there for the hash all year.

Skewbic Hare was awarded a “make-up beer” for the penance he has had to pay missing the leftover hash beer.

Roaring Nancy almost annoyed no one at all – time for a beer to celebrate that!

Pink Meat’s still making up her own words, so we sang her one of her favourites so she could sing along

Pump n’ Schwing, Mucky Dip, Mmmm Lady Fingers, Running Dry, Buried Pleasure, Menage a trois, and Sneevil were asked what a 39 was.  Much to the astonishment of the RA, none seemed to know the obvious reason…  it’s a short person’s 69 of course!

Shakesbeer got the gears – No Hash Shit, Hat Shit, or any Shit!  (Well except a King Shit – and no one wants to bring that home with them!!)

On On!

Master Beater


1804 – Who’s Your Master Run

Hare : Masterbeater & Pink Meat
Where: Master Beater & Pink Meat’s Crantucky Love Palace
Big Rock: Goes Well with Whiskey and Grilled Critter Bits
Religious Advisor: Dementia
Attendance: 30

Doris Day rides a 'Roo

See photos from the Run!

On a night when I marked the trail 3 times due to torrential rains, I was asking myself “what the hell?”  The whole damn hash (well only about 100 of them) all jumped the trail to the Regroup anyway!!  Problem?…  well yeah, when its the SECOND Regroup, and the alcohol is waiting at the FIRST regroup!

Wildlife count – 2 Eagles and a nest (unconfirmed how many eaglets), a coyote, many deer, a duck’s nest, a leg bone to a deer, a stuffed monkey, an owl, many mosquitos.  Pretty decent for an urban run in Cran-tucky!

Hot Cheeks, Tight Lips, and Hardley all managed to find true trail, run the best shiggy I could find, do a swamp crossing, duck through deer trails, bushwack through the underbrush, and climb one massive hill to the jello shots on RG 1 where the remainder of the hash had finally made their way over.

A few hardy hashers later followed the true trail for the trip to RG 2, going for a fun rip down the valley.

The weather held, Dastardly and Thunder Tits’ baked beans were enjoyed with swill and smokies.  Some whiskey’s were sampled, Dementia laid out the religion – it was a good night in the Deep South for the hash!


Master Beater

1803 – Victoria Day Run

Hares : Spitting Balls, Buried Pleasure
Where: Big Al’s
Big Rock: Fit for a Queen!
Religious Advisor: Her Majesterbeater
Attendance: 27

Run 1803

See photos from the Run!

Spittin Balls and Buried Pleasure setting a trail.  Buried providing parental guidance on trail setting? Shiiiiit…  And that’s what they set up the trail to be – Shitty Trail.  Even marking it with the letter “S” and announcing the same in the circle.  What it wasn’t?… A Shitty Trail of course.  Yes, true to hash form, what is said is never what is led, or in this case, marked.  Lots of trails using direction changes, hairpin turns up and back fence lines, hovering around enough school grounds, playgrounds, and athletic fields to make any hasher with a restraining order nervous.  Down alleyways where treasures abounded, and pathways that confounded.  No Spittin’ Balls and Buried Pleasure, if Shitty Trail is what you were going for, you missed the mark and laid yourself a nice one!  (Trail that it is!)

Hot Cheeks took over the confusing trail, and promptly acted as tour guide to a group of hashers… on a tour to absolutely nowhere.  (Well, actually back to where they started)

Flashpants found herself in a scary alley.  Thinking quick, she grabbed a disguise.  A bag.  A bag to put over her head.  But wait!  The hash then realized, that’s no bag!  That was a pillowcase laying in the trash in the alley…near big Al’s!…  Ewww!

Baby and White Balls were caught leading Pink Meat to an alley, sexual offense averted.  For now.

While apparently the Moses of the Hash is now Hardly (he has a following… some would say stalking), it was actually Dastardly that ran in the front all hash, and earned the FRB honours

Running Dry held the FRB title for a few seconds, exclaimed “Look!  I’m an FRB!” and then lost it at the very next corner.  Probably because while all the other Harrierettes scowled at the gangsta kids driving by wolf whistling and saying they’d be coming back later, Running Dry smiled from ear to ear, waved, and replied, “Ok!  I’ll be here!”  (The harrierettes ensured she was NOT still there later).

Auntie Frank wasn’t a FRB.  Small wonder, as he was observed looking at naked pics of Knightstalker on Can You Hear Me Now’s phone.

Poor Shack Shock found herself after a demanding run in No Beer Land… she couldn’t find the regroup OR the On-In!  Thankfully she was rescued, and brought to the On In where she was able to rehydrate after her ordeal.

On a long weekend with the hash buzzing for a lengthy time at the regroup and the weather damn near perfect, all was another day in almost hash paradise!  “What could be better?” a harrierette mistakenly asked.  Well, funny she should ask! For as has become her custom, Queen Elizabeth flew in to visit her subjects on anti-independence day.  (Otherwise known by non-Americans as Victoria Day).  For an old gal who doesn’t live nearby, she sure knows a lot about our kennel!  It’s a well-known fact among hashers that Lizzy is one hashin’ crazy bi-iitch!  And her favourite hash kennel is none other than Calgary’s own!

Well there she was (I’m told – I have missed seeing her every year), and she was dealing out the religion royally to the whole hash that made it out!

Shakesbeer was struggling with counting the down down beers.  And by struggling, I mean it took him 4 times to count to 20.  Math is hard, but I think he knew the importance of the occasion, and was nervous about shorting the Queen?

Abandoned Pussy announced pre-ceremony that she wasn’t driving and she should be downed as many times possible

Who would the Queen call up first?  Why the hare’s of course!  After downing them she dubbed them royal choir, and just to show the Hundred Years War may be over, but not forgotten, she called Princess Monkey Spanker to continue setting the record straight of who serves who…  PMS overshadowed the Queen, busting into a rendition of Do-Re-Mi that the whole room wished could have been recorded!

Word was that Pink Meat was hungry enough to eat a dinosaur. Luckily one was found for her… in an alley… on the gravel… and landed in her drink to marinade.  It worked! She wasn’t hungry the rest of the night!

Can You Hear Me Now thought he wasn’t hungry after hearing all of Twisted Sister’s birthing stories… but somehow managed to eat an entire pizza anyway

Flashpants ignored hash royalty when she ignored the “scheduled” R.A. for the night, even when he kindly waved to her before the run. The Queen was not impressed and royally downed her.

A special request by the harrierettes to call up Comes and Goes for royal questioning and ask “Where’s Nick?”  Comes and Goes responded he went back home.  It got quiet for a while…

Blue Balls was called on the royal carpet by the Queen and asked point blank if he was a monk, hence the silence was perhaps a vow.  It is believed he may have breathed a reply not fit for hearing, but we’ll never know, as its Blue Balls, and he has learned to communicate without talking… like a dolphin.

Ménage a Trois … Oh Menage!  You’re allure is so great, I can’t even remember what you did – I’m bedazzled! But you did something and it was royally rotten I’m sure

Pump n Schwing was royally chastised and told to start doing some stupid things

No deed goes unnoticed.  Especially the creepy voyeurism of an “old man”  Frogodile Hunter gave her Fish Shit deservedly to King Shit for his work on the camera and comments on asses and tits

Skewbic Hare, Mucky Dip, and Tight Lips arrived from the GT, which was a good thing, because our Hash Mattress is a complete cycling freak and was dying 20 deaths wondering how it all turned out this year.  It was also a good thing because the hash was able to toast Skewbic Hare with the last remaining hash down down beer!  I think I saw a tear in his eye.  He must have been so happy for us!


Master Beater

1802 – Get a Job You Lazy Bums

Hares : Comes & Goes, Skewby, Rubbermade, Roaring Nancy
WhereBally’s Bar & Grill, 2905 – 14 St SW
Big Rock: It’s not for kids!
Religious Advisor: Dementia
Attendance: 41

Geezer Crossing

Old people and babies have so much in common!  They both like their food mushed up or liquid, both crave attention, neither get sex anymore, and they both have all the time they want to do whatever they feel…  Only in this case, our old people are underemployed and desperate for something, anything to do… maybe even set a trail for the hash!

So it became that Rubbermade, Skewbic Hare, Roaring Nancy and Comes and Goes set the way for the hash.  Clearly a trail set by someone with LOTS of time on their hands.  A long trail, with looooong check backs, including one with a playground marked at its terminus, and a “PG” mark just in case you weren’t sure what it was you were viewing.

That particular check back motivated Master Beater, drunk with the power of being selected into the choir with Hardly and Daisy Duke, to belt out “Shitty Trail” to the miffed chagrin of the hares

Ms. Dementia (who in a very appropriate demonstration in the circle when she paused to try to remember her own name), served out the very much needed Religion to the Hash.

We had another blessed visit from Prom Night Dumpster Baby, and a return of archive Canine Jelly (we think, she’s not very sure she is herself). Comes and Goes’ spawn Nick, with friend Alex came along to show that cowboy boots and deck shoes not only belong together, they belong hashing together!

With the hash getting served by the hares, apparently our kennel has taken it upon itself to serve itself…

Mucky Dip “found” a purse and returned it to the rightful owner (minus the cash is the rumour heard)

Not Too Deep decided she should have special privileges and stopped mid-trail to use some poor shop owner’s washroom

Cocktail decided it was a great idea to serve himself some ice cream while waiting for Not Too Deep

Can You Hear Me Now gave something to someone.  It doesn’t matter what it was, because he changed his mind and took it back anyway

Skewbic Hare served himself high end beer.  Apparently having no job pays WAY better than anyone could have imagined??

Shakesbeer either served himself to, or “picked up” a fancy new pair of shoes…  Dementia thought they were slippers worthy of drinking from, which he did

Shirley served it up both ways

Sheila served herself to some pump and schwing

_____ couldn’t bear to just run along with the rules, and instead brought along technology to serve advantage

Shakesbeer showed up at the playground serving up his 1 inch worm to everyone

Daisy Duke serves no one.  To prove it, he flipped off Master Beater and Hardly with both hands from across the road when he realized they had used him to find the check back

Tight Lips and Hot Cheeks considered serving themselves up to a hot runner along the trail

Nick and Alex paced themselves…  only helping themselves to one drug at a time

A new name was served upon a poor unnamed hasher.  I wish I could remember the new name, but alas, its not to be.

Finally, in recognition of the night where the lazy bums who really need to get a job set a trail where the arrows couldn’t even be relied upon, the hares were downed for following what appears to be a new mantra for the Calgary kennel, “Helping you help yourself”

The hash helped themselves to all the free beer left at the end, and I helped myself out of there.

Practically every week I write it, only to write it again…  How could it get any worse?!


Master Beater

#1799 – Dutch King’s Nite

Hares: Daisy Duke, Can You Hear Me Now
Where: Sideline Bar & Grill
Big Rock: Cheap and Plentiful,
Really Cheap and Really Plentiful
Religious Advisor: Abandoned Pussy
Attendance: 49

Daisy Duke's Woodies

See photos from the Run!

Dutch Treat!

The hash was vibrating with more excitement than one of Rubbermade’s toys.  Seldom has the colour orange glared so brightly, so loudly, and so obnoxiously!  Hares Daisy Duke and Can You Hear Me Now had declared it a Dutch King run, and the Calgary kennel responded in numbers and one very loud colour!

In the circle, there was a masked unknown hasher, and a couple archives that trucked up to see whether hash was now cool… of course we are still not.  Hopefully they will keep coming back anyway. Rubbermade held control sternly for about 20 seconds – a new PB for her, and worth noting!

Daisy sent a bottle around of something that he declared older than the hills.  There is a reason we as a species evolve, and one swig of that ancient elixir reminded us that we are so fortunate today to have so many other booze choices.  But then I don’t think I’m Dutch, and I don’t make a habit of munching on rolled up pickled herring either…

The trail (for the 5 hashers who followed the true trail) offered the unique opportunity to boulder and enjoy the riverside.  100 other members of the hash however, decided “not so much” and dodged Daisy’s trail, leaving Spittin Balls, Bare Down There, Flashpants, Pyro, Roaring Nancy, and Master Beater having to catch up the rest of the night.  A nicely set trail, on a very nice weather night, by a couple of very nice hares, with nice cold Big Rock at the Regroup. How nice.

Everyone’s pleasant respite was suddenly interrupted however by a camper trailer rocking, hopping, and swaying – finally none other than Auntie Frank came sauntering out with Princess Monkey Spanker and Knight Stalker.  Everyone seemed happy, they must have had a nice time.

Abandoned Pussy had the honours of handing out the much needed religion, and her horniness!   Her choir was the menagerie of Menage A Trois, King Shit,and Aunty Frank

Apparently AP had Hardley inside her and it resulted in a lot of other good things happening

There was an interlube as AP considered eating Master Beater’s ass out

There was apparent jealously over Frigid Beaver lining up a John by phone on the corner

Rubbermade and Romeo were first done (of no surprise to anyone)

Running Dry had complained so much she has been left out of anniversary runs, we celebrated her… 36th run??  WTF??

Dementia apparently brought her cheap dildo to the hash, which had something to do with Men O Pause…

…As Men O Pause was seen running down the street with Dementia’s hash mutt, leading to the natural question, who’s the bitch in this picture?

Sneevil’s shirt was recognized with her in it

And Pink Meat was recognized for how much she filled her shirt that night

Master Beater stared in wonderment at the view point, completely unable to fathom what was so view-worthy.  Right there under his nose was Bare Down There – completely missed it.  Thankfully, she unveiled herself the incredible view, providing clarity to Beater

I’ve seen (and thankfully only heard about) some pretty awful things go into Hasher and Harrierette mouths before – but Princess Monkey Spanker, Can You Hear me Now, and Daisy Duke all swallowed down huge rolls of pickled herring.  No one knows why, we are pretty sure that no one wants to know why either

Ending the night was Buried Pleasure putting on a clinic on how to down the 250 runs half yard.  It was an impressive display of swallowing I must say in complete admiration!

On On!

Master Beater