Hares: Abandoned Pussy (with co-hare Tighty Whitey?)
Where: Hull’s Wood, Fish Creek Park, Calgary, AB
On-In: Lighthouse Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: Daisy Duke
Attendance: 29

It’s unclear from this side of the pond whether Tighty Whitey was actually co-hare. He wasn’t listed as such on the website, but he clearly was present during the setting of the trail.

Relationship Status: It’s complicated.

Because my regular CI* missed the run and didn’t provide her usual tales from the trail, it’s up to me to make sh!t up based on the photos snapped by Skewbic Hair. Here we go:

ON ON!!
PMS

*CI=Cumfidential Informant

Hares: Booty Camp and Snow Blower
Where: Ukrainian Church Renfrew, Calgary, AB
On-In: Fiddler’s Courtyard, Calgary, AB
RA: King Shit
Attendance: 23

Here are the things that went down on this trail: all the suckers that went down the stairs at the start of trail just to find out that it was – of course (like, come on!!) – a ❌checkback❌!!

Visitors/Archives:
– Master Rooter and Knight Stalker blessed us with their presence, after many many weeks of absence;
– Worm and Not the Shilling came all the way from Thailand to run this CH3 trail.

Other things that happened include:
– Hashers wore blue and yellow to show support to the Ukrainian cause;
– RRRA is said to have had vorrrst Ukrrrainian accint
– Dastardly kindly offered to guide the visitors and promptly proceeded to lose them on trail;
– Can You Hear Me Know (what a Mensch) chose to escort Mucky Dip on trail, but then got bored and ditched her;
– Liquor Lots, the hooker that she is, was called out by a gentleman for streetwalking. Oh no wait… Liquor Lots was called a “dirty whore” by a pig with a big truck and small wiener, for merely asking not to be run over by said truck. Stay classy, Alberta!
– OPP did shady deals from the back of her truck. King Shit got his merch’ so he’s happy;
– Va-JJ likes to switch it up between the front and the back;
– Hardly and Twisty – the hash’s closest thing to a royal couple – celebrated their 40 year jubilee.

Other momentous milestones were:
– Camshaft ran his 250th trail
– Mucky celebrated her 600th (how does she remain so young-looking??)

Because the Calgary Hash House Harriers is an equal opportunities group, Hot Cheeks decided to start shooting photos for her “Girls of Hashing” calendar. See those babes for yourself:

And here are other photos taken:

ON ON!!
PMS (with input from Hot Cheeks and King Shit)

Hares: Twisty and Hardly
Where: Citizen Brewing Company, Calgary, AB
RA: Rashy Bush
Attendance: 17

When hashers say: “Hoppy Easter!”, it’s not some lame bunny joke. It just means they’re headed to one of many Calgary Breweries that serve obnoxiously hoppy IPA’s. This time, the gang met up at Citizen Brewing to enjoy a few cold ones.

But let’s backtrack. Before the rejoicing, some mild-to-moderate exercise happened. Hares Twisty and Hardly gave us a lovely trail with 367 369 checks, and it is said that Hump the Shark did all of them.

Because the hares are all about recycling and preserving resources, they reused the marks of the Full Moon run that Hardly (Full Moon name: Hard-On) set a few days earlier.

This trail was the trail of many momentous milestones:
👣 Hump the Shark celebrated 200 runs;
👣 King Shit seriously needs to find a new hobby, as he did his 1550th trail with the Calgary Hash House Harriers;
👣 Skewbic Hair ran his 1000th trail with us. He too needs to get a life.

Skewb is a proud man and – for his 1000th – did not want to display the same impotence we had witnessed last week. This week, he managed to get ⁽ᶦᵗ⁾ up and get into the action, albeit in the back.

Just Kristen still hasn’t been named. She’s very careful with what she says to avoid slip-ups that could be used against her.

In a follow up to Hot Cheeks’ photo shoot for her “Hashing Men Calendar”, here is the second semester:

ON ON!
PMS

Hares: Hardly and (who else?) Dastardly, the perpetual co-hare
Where: Big Al’s Bar & Grill, Calgary, AB
RA: Hardly (wait, what? Hare AND RA?)
Attendance: 24

Just in time for Easter, today marked the first cumming of Hardly (as he is set to cum a second time next week – as hare again -, but this time with his wife).

Since hashers couldn’t complain about trail being too long, they found something else to bitch about: the weather. It’s toooo cold, it’s toooo windy, waaah 😭.

Silver lining: it was decided that the weather was sooo inclement that down-downs just had to be held indoors (after more than 2 years!).

Here are some of the things that happened today and that hashers got “punished” for:

• Hashers from BC graced us with their presence and held choir;
• Skewb had a limp ⁽ᵒⁿᵉ⁾ and couldn’t keep ⁽ᶦᵗ⁾ up;
• Insane Bolt was propositioned on trail by a rando – that’s Forest Lawn for ya.
• Lay’em’s dog took a shit during circle. That’s what he thinks of our nonsense.
• Snevil did all the checkbacks (while Hot Cheeks did none of them).
• Hardly, the one-man-hash, did everything today: set trail, pour the down down beer, RA. Like, come on people, get your shit together and help out a little!
• Camshaft celebrated 250 runs
• Pyro-the-Legend ran his 1300th trail today. As is tradition, he was given a half yard of warm swill to celebrate.

Based on the photos she took, it is clear that Hot Cheeks decided to start a Hashing Men Calendar. Here are the first 6 months:

ON ON!
👸🐒👋 (Princess Monkey Spanker)

Hare: Insane Bolt (with some scouting from Pyro)
Where: Pazzer’s Pub, Calgary, AB
RA: The Monarch of Feces
Attendance: 24

Insane Bolt, with the help from his daddy-in-law, set an epic trail today. The hare, as his name suggests, doesn’t like to stick to pavement and favours shiggy and unreasonably long trails. His 🎶papa🎶 (Downton Abbey accent) is also a ballbuster of sorts.

This trail was in fact sooooo long and hard (a bit of an exaggeration), that only three hardcore hashers managed to run the whole thing. So here are the names of the three valiant True Trailers who – apparently – deserve a f*ckin medal:
👏 Snevil 👏
👏 Cums and Goes 👏 (and he hadn’t cum in so long!)
👏 Rashy Bush 👏

Some hashers opted to shortcut their way to the regroup. That’s the smarter way to hash, if you ask me…. Slippy Thong is one the geniuses who’s figured it out.

The hare being such a ✨class act✨provided a drink stop (take note, future hares! That’s how we like it – although preferably not with Fireball, ewww!)

It is said that Snevil may have overindulged, and despite running true trail, ended up being both an FRB¹ and DFL² after losing her momentum on the way to the regroup.

We had a new cummer: Jim. Let’s see if we can make him cum again!

Walkers had a bit of a moment and paid their respects to fellow hasher Kawky Whorer. They did so by basically sitting on him. I’m sure he appreciated it.

Skewbic Hair took lovely pictures of the vistas and the many non-true trailers:

King Shit RA’d and rightfully shamed relative noobie Va-JJ for wearing new shoes hashing. Once again, for the people in the back: you do not wear brand new runners hashing, or they will be anointed with swill.

ON ON!
👸🐒👋 (Princess Monkey Spanker)

¹ FRB = Front Running Bastard
² DFL = Dead Fucking Last

Hares: Tighty Whitey
Where: Gators Sports Pub SW, Calgary, AB
RA: Skewbic Hair
Attendance: 18

The run title says it all. Also, the meeting point was located near Fish Creek, so there was no way we were not getting shiggy. Hopefully, this did not put off our virgin hasher Matt (whom Insane Bolt made cum).

Hare Tighty Whitey likes to lurk around and take pictures of wet and dirty hashers:

Here are some of the tales that were reported:

• Insane Bolt saw his first beaver today. Snevil gave him the ins and outs of how to catch one.
• Noobie “Just Josh” (who took the liberty of calling himself ‘JJ’ (rookie mistake)) will henceforth be known as “Va-JJ”. A brilliant name, whoever came up with that.
• There were Moose Track sightings on trail (see below).
• Stool Stuffer came 169 times. This time, he came alone. Weird for a 169.
• Strap-On Crampon and Hot Cheeks shared their strap-ons.

In other news, a few hashers celebrated/will celebrate their birthdays :
🎂Brokeback Mount Me’s was TODAY Mar 28
🎂Booty Camp’s was March23^rd
🎂 Lying Sack Of Shit’s is Apr 2^nd.

ON ON !
PMS

Hares: Abandoned Pussy
Where: Transit Parking Lot SE, Calgary, AB
On-In: Penny Black Bar & Kitchen SE, Calgary, AB
RA: Skewbic Hair
Attendance: 18

AP likes it hard and long – that’s what she said! No, like, literally… That’s what she said when talking about this trail that she set for us. At first, she looked fairly apologetic that her trail was on the longer side… But then she just let her mean side show, unapologetically, like the asshole she is.

And when the scribe posted her weekly plea for “Scribbling fodder”, AP further proved my point:

Turns out, at least one harrierette survived the ordeal to tell the tale. Thank you Strap On Crampon for your in real time reports.

ON ON!
With my cumpliments,
PMS

Hares: Oozy Pizzle Panties & Liquor Lots
Where: Griffith Woods Park SW – Discovery Ridge, Calgary, AB
On-In: Lennox Irish Pub SW, Calgary, AB
RA: Snevil
Attendance: 23

It’s that time of year again, when it becomes socially acceptable for people to shamelessly give way to their addiction and lack of restraint: yes indeed, it’s girl guide cookie season again. And King Shit has undoubtedly purchased 10 boxes of Vanilla/Chocolate Creme Cookies, all in the name of encouraging young female entrepreneurship. Our hare OPP acknowledges her shameless plug to peddle her daughter’s product on our website. Bring your money, do your bit.

The hares were so sure of the quality of their trail, they guaran-f*ckn-teed it would make us WET 💦. We were told to bring a change of undergarments.

ON ON!
PMS

Hare: Hump the Shark
Where: Crowfoot Baseball Park, Calgary, AB
On-In: Red Rock Bar and Grill, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 11
RA: Stool Stuffer probably

Hump the Shark likes to do it everywhere. Sometimes he takes us to the SE (his special lady friend’s stomping grounds) but today he went back to his roots: the En-Dubya.

Another job well done, Hump The Shark!

ON ON
PMS

Hares: “Sniffle” and “Fever Cheeks”
Where: Inglewood Parking Lot, Calgary, AB
On-In: The Dirty Duck (the pub formerly known as Swans), Calgary, AB
RA: Hardly
Attendance: 17

One of our hares had a Covid scare over the weekend but tested negative – twice – and proceeded to set her “farewell Covid” trail. Wouldn’t it have been just her luck? Catching Covid on the last days before March 1st (when Covid magically disappears as per Alberta new health regulations)? Wouldn’t it have SUCKED??!

Reports (by the very objective and impartial hares) are that the trail was GREAT, as featured in this photo they took:

Hardly RA’ed and didn’t miss anyone for down downs. Hash Shits exchanged hands and went from Skewbic Hair and Mucky Dip’s pasty paws to Mmmmh Ladyfingers and Camshaft’s bronzed mitts. It serves them right for rubbing their tan lines in everybody’s face…

Everybody (who’s anybody) wore their red “Keep Hashing and Carry On On!” shirt (but some like to be different…. AP!).

And then people went to the pub, and there was much rejoicing.

Carry ON ON!
PMS