Hares: Scoobie and Dastardly
Where: Heritage Park – Big H, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 10

Because of the inclement weather, down down were kept to a minimum:

• The hares were sung the F-R-E-E-Z-Y T-R-A-I-L song (a surprising twist on the ol’ S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L)
• Snevil offloaded the hat shit back to Hot Cheeks, who showed no gratitude whatsoever for the extra warmth. (The offence? Excessive F-bombing… Who knew that was offensive?? ?)
• Daisy Duke was called out for trying to impersonate Nanook of the North (I’m assuming he was wearing his thrift store bearskin coat).
• King Shit had a senior moment and confused Hardly with Dreary.
• Lay ’em In Snow was called out for… walking ?

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OnOn!
PMS

Hare: Stool Stuffer
Where: Lynwood Park SE, Calgary, AB
Attendance: 13

Hashers in attendance today:
✔ Booty Camp
✔ Daisy Duke
✔ Dastardly
✔ Hardly
✔ King Shit
✔ Lay’em in Snow
✔ Liquor Lots
✔ Rashy Bush
✔ Skewbic hair
✔ Snow Blower
✔ Stool Stuffer ?
✔ Tighty Whitey
✔ Twisted Sister

Tacky formals are always a fun way to see how people manage to get decked out in ridiculous outfits that they are still able to run in. (Pro-tip: 80’s cocktail attire and athletic wear are both a lurex/poly-blend. Coincidence?? I think not!). This year however, disappointingly, few people ventured out of their regular hash comfort zone. A few hashers did make an effort: we saw a couple of tuxedo t-shirts (the Twisdlies), one actually tuxedo jacket & bow tie (King Shit) and a mystifying nubuck chaps and corduroy jacket combo (Daisy Duke. Who else?). An honorable mention goes to Rashy Bush with her glittery cum-merbund (!).

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Stoolie brought us the longest run of 2022. Seriously now, he had notified – nay, warned – that his trail would be “of average length or longer” ?. His reasoning was that since temps were “tropical” (i.e. nearing 0°C), it was the perfect opportunity to take ourselves out of hibernation and do an actual regular length trail. None of this carshing or 600 m trail nonsense.

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On On and Hashy New Year!
PMS

Hares : Abandoned Pussy
Where: Blackbird Public Urban Bar, High River Calgary, AB
Attendance : 10

True trail was a reasonable 2¼ km. She called true trail the “Eagle” Trail. Now, for the people in the back, let’s review Hash Basics: hares sometimes set 2 trails, one called “Eagle” (longer and harder), the other one called “Turkey” (shorter and flacid). Because it was soooooo cold, AP specified that her Eagle had Covid and broken wings while the Turkey was the leftover carcass from Christmas dinner.

3 hashers (Rashy Bush, Stool Stuffer and Hump the Shark) opted to take the “Eagle” trail and 2 took the Turkey trail. Because Skewbic Hair arrived late (as the runners were making it back), Heroic Hump redid trail with him. What a Mensch!

Down downs were short and sweet to allow for more time at the pub.

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On on!
PMS

Hares : Twisted Sister, Hardly, Mmmmlady Fingers & Cam Shaft
Where: Prairie Dog Brewing, Calgary, AB
Attendance : 14

Today, the weather was so legitimately cold that a few no-shame hashers opted to “car-hash” (see proof above). The “real” hashers (through and through) bit the bullet and ran trail.

Marks were a bewildering set of addresses, which I can only assume led to the next mark, until the On-In?

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Aptly, the On-In today was ❄️ Cold Garden ❄️

And King Shit came late. Shocking!

On on!
PMS

Hares : Booty Camp and Snow Blower
Where: Bridgeland Park NE, Calgary, AB
Attendance : 21

Hashers did not complain, however. Our BC expats in particular appreciated not having to be exposed to the frigid temperatures* for too long.

*it was -15°! Since when is that cold? We’re Calgary Hashers for crying out loud!

On on!
PMS

Hares : Cam Shaft and Mmmmmh Ladyfingers
Where: West Confederation Park Depot parking lot, Calgary, AB
Attendance : 15.5

‘T’was a chillier evening than in previous weeks, which may explain the low turn out? (Bunch of fair-weather hashers!!)

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Still, the beautiful Christmas decorations lifted spirits and warmed up hearts! (And so did the beers and Pyro’s fire)

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Cam Shaft was so excited in fact that he FRB’ed the whole trail. That dude always has to cum first. Oh, and did we mention that he was HARING?? Stay at the back, hare! Let the pack figure it out!

As per usual Dastardly did his own thing and was nowhere to be seen on trail. He always finds his way back to the regroup though. It was said that Lay’em In Snow opted to detour as well, taking Blue Balls and Pyro with him. Whatever happens off trails, stays off trail.

Here are some more photos taken on trail:

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On on!
PMS

Hares : Pyro
Where: Crowchild Twin Arena NW, Calgary, AB
Attendance : 18

Based on the length and shiggy level of Pyro’s runs on a regular day, it’s surprising that anyone even showed up on a day when he’s apparently so angry that he needs to seek revenge (dun dun duuuuun). Why was the run named that? No one knows. Probably just Skewbic Hair’s flair for the dramatic and the fact that it looked cool on the website.

If you’ve never met Pyro, he’s this sweet looking older gentleman, cuter than a garden gnome. But looks are deceiving: he’s a mean motherf%$^er. He’ll make you run through vipers’ nests and scale boulders if he gets the chance.

Surprisingly though, there were no vipers sighted or boulders scaled. In fact, it was said that some runners finished only minutes after the walkers. What exactly happened? Was the running trail exceptionally short or did the walkers feel particularly ambitious? –> Mmmmmh Lady Fingers (a most reliable tale teller) mentioned that the walking trail was long and hard and that the runners were good-for-nothing short-cutters. She’s still bitter that they did not get punished for it.

Dastardly – who is known to go wandering off on his own – finished DFL (Dead F$%^ing Last) again. There was some speculation that his tongue got stuck on a pole.

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ON ON!
PMS

Hares : Daisy Duke
Where: Richmond Community Park SW, Calgary, AB
Attendance : 21

BYOW (Bring Your Own Wood) were the instructions for this week’s trail. Things got H-O-T indeed!

Trail was as delightful as Daisy always sets them, with the added advantage that all three trailblazin’ Front Running Bastards (? Insane Bolt, ?Maple, ?Hump The Shark) did all the hard work for the rest of the pack. In this version of the Tortoise and the Hare, the hares hurried at the front and the many tortoises stopped at Sneevz’s House for some beers (except for Mucky Dip who never got the memo and probably blamed Skewbic Hare for it). Never one to miss out on free beer, Skewb was reportedly guilty of B&Eer-ing (i.e: breaking and entering in order to steal a beer).

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We had the surprise visit of an OooOooooOoOold archive, On-In. There was some debate as to who was oldest in attendance but since Pyro was present, it was quickly settled that he deserved the Old Fogy award that night. Can You Hear Me Now sighed a sigh of relief.

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On On!

PMS

Hares : Snevil
Where: Reader Rock Garden, Calgary, AB
Attendance : 22 (I made that number up)
Actual attendance: 23

This run was blessed with one visitor: I was told they’re Begging For It. Is that their name? Is that just a statement? I’m not sure. A New Boot was also present and archived Hung Loose.

Pyro celebrated his birthday yesterday and he is said to have turned 69 again. The man won’t go past 69.

There were other allegations of sexual offenses on trail and AP (her again!) reported that Cam Shaft said he would “throw her down on a mat & wreck her ass”. Yikes.

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On On!
PMS